The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/07/13
Oh, this is good. But I still want to know how it ends.

This felt just a bit "choppy" in places, but I can't put my finger on why. In a way, though, it fits the story, because the MC's thoughts seem to be a bit "choppy" too.

Great job with this.
09/08/13
This is oozing with a brooding malevolence that kept my eyes glued to the screen. I agree that it could be a prelude to a much longer story, and I'd like to find out how it ends. Maybe next week...
09/08/13
Ditto what Noel said. I couldn't tear my eyes away from this one. I can only guess that he wanted to be found out and stopped. Excellent writing!
09/08/13
Ummmm Divine intervention at it's best!
Fabulous story. It fits right in with all the madness in the headlines.
I like the ending,leaving the reader to finish the story, or ask for chapter 2. I think instead of writing "...bought him a gun",it would up the sinister factor if you describe what his father bought. You have an attention holding story, and that is good.
09/09/13
Excellent job! I was pulled in immediately and I was wanting more at the end! Nicely done.

God bless~
What a right write! This leaves me with such appreciation and desire for a continuation . . .
09/12/13
Congrats! God Bless~
09/12/13
Congratulations on your Third Place win! You've got an awesomely-crafted piece here. Hopefully, the MC can accept the care shown him by the breakfast lady, so it'll be enough to take the gun out himself. Plan B, the physics teacher sees it when the boy reaches for his paper, and of course, things only get better from there... but I'm a patient person, so I'll wait for Chapter Two, or the next appropriate challenge article to see how this scene ends. Fantastic job!
Congratulations for ranking 3rd in your level and 23 overall! (The highest rankings can be found on the message boards)