The Official Writing Challenge
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This is an interesting essay. I felt a little like I was reading from a textbook. You can spice up your writing by using descriptions or make it more personal by telling an anecdote.But I liked your message.
This is strong on #6 (communication and clarity)--you laid out your points in a manner that makes it easy for your reader to understand your message.

Consider woking on #2 (unique, fresh, memorable). This is the sort of message that many Christians have heard before, and livening it up with personal anecdotes or appealing examples would make us want to read on.

Another strength is #1 (on topic)--quite commendable.
This was interesting and I enjoyed the part about our souls data base. I actually think that may be what Jesus plays before us at judgment! I think you put a lot of thought into this and it presented well! Good job.
Thank you for a very interesting story. I enjoyed it very much.