The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
This piece was very hard to follow. You should hit enter and indent each time a new character is speaking.
I finished your story being touched about the relationship between a brother and sister, along with the desire to know who one's birth mother is, so if I am on track with your intent, good job.

Did you mean to say that "he" started to go into a belly laugh, or "I"?

Outside of that, yes a little bit hard to follow, but only a little bit :)
Cute story, however, needs lots of punctuation editing to make it really readable. Breaking up the paragraphs into "Who said What?", plus many comma's needed. But the story itself was deligtful and entertaining...just do a little more practice on those punctuation problems. Loved the whole idea you had in your story; fit the topic and Jess and Sherry were a lovable pair. Fun read! Keep writing, and God Bless.
There is a really good story in there. I'm pretty sure there was. It was not easy to decipher who was speaking. I regularly do the same thing - thinking others will immediately understand where I am coming from. But of course they can not.
I enjoyed this story once I got the hang of it. Keep writing and take advice from people who have been in Faithwriters and are in the advance groups.
The relationship between brother and sister is excellent, very good story line and setting the scene, and the story did well at drawing me in and keeping my interest.

I too had trouble following it at first, due to punctuation problems; but once I recognized the problems could then follow OK. Most important punctuation improvement that would help a LOT -- whenever you change speakers, start a new paragraph, no matter how short that makes each paragraph.
I think by now you get the drift, the previous commenters have said it all. There was a good story in there, so keep practicing, it does help. :)
I enjoyed these two characters!

For help with punctuation of dialog, feel free to visit the forums (there's a link at the top of this page) and look for "Jan's Writing Basics". Hopefully you'll enjoy the low-key "classes" there.

You've got a unique voice--a little bit of nurturing and you'll be fine.