The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 618 times
Member Comments
Very nicely written with some lovely little details, although I didn't have any sense of the saddness Jill must have been feeling at the end.
This is lovely!

I'd encourage you to take full advantage of the 750 allowed words, and to give us more: either more plot development, or more characterization, or both. You're a good writer, and more is better!
Very nice, and sweet as red velvet cake.
This was great writing, and you did a good job of having Jill talk the way a small child would talk. I feel a little cheated, though, in the second scene. It felt too abrupt. With the allowed word count, you could have expanded it a little more to help the reader to feel Jill's emotions.
Okay what happen to the middle? I don't know at the end if Jill is 5 or 55. A sentence or two would solve that. Started very nice, but ended with a clanging I don't think you meant. Keep writing.
Thanks for sharing this sweet entry. Would have liked more but thanks for what you gave us. Colin
Outstanding dialogue in the first section. Second section could have used some more of the same detail we found in the first section of dialogue. Great command of voices and the red velvet tie-in was super.