The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
You have the makings of a good story here, but you shifted back and forth between points of view (from third person--"she", to first person--"I"). This left me a little confused sometimes about who was telling the story! With some refining of that POV shift, you can have a great story and make this tale much easier for your reader to follow and enjoy. It's worth giving a little polish to it!
I agree with Dee Yoder that it could use some polishing, but it has great 'bones' with tons of potential. This is a good short story, but I also think it could be developed into a wonderful book if you wanted to expand on it. You have a style that I like and I hope to read more of your work. Good job!