Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CHILDHOOD (03/09/17)
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TITLE: Growing up with boys | Previous Challenge Entry
By Agatha Mangwende
03/09/17 -
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My mum passed away soon after my second birthday. Hence, apart from the photos in the family album, I had no recollection of my mother. What I perceived of her was what I gathered from the photos.
When I cried for her, my dad would pick up the album and sit me on his lap and showed my mother’s pictures. The effect of just looking at those pictures kind of calmed me down. Dad always kept the album close by, so much that as I grew up, I would just grab it and get lost in the world of imagining myself running around with my mum.
One particular picture I liked so much, was a picture of her, me as a baby, and my two brothers, Lee and Tyson, sitting by the beach. Dad must have taken the picture, because he was not in the picture. At that time the world of ‘selfies’ had not yet developed. Any time that we got to that photo, my dad would pause briefly and just watch my reaction.
It was as if he could read the little images playing around my little mind. It was no doubt then, that as soon as I could race with confidence against my brothers, I would make a point of challenging them to a race match by slapping one of them and run for dad. The house was too crowded for this kind of activity, so dad developed a regular routine of taking us to the beach as soon as he got back from work. He enjoyed the brief outing as much as we did, and since we lived just two miles from the beach, it was no hassle getting us into the car for the thirty minute beach family time.
Dad would take to his twenty minute trotting exercise, the boys would sometimes swim by the shore, or do tag of war, or wrestle with me. Then I would build my little houses, and dolls, cook mud and feed my imaginary children, called by my brothers’ names of course. Or I would just carry sand and water to and fro, until I got tired. I would pretend that dad was giving me all these mean chores to do, as he did with the boys, until they complained wishing mum was still alive to help them.
Dad remarried. He brought in a stranger into our well organised routine. It was no longer fun; even from the first day we met Lisa. Dad walked into my room one evening, hand in hand with his new bride, Lisa and cheerfully announced, “Trish, I want you to meet your new mumâ€. ‘Excuse me’, I silently screamed from my heart. ‘I have a new mum, the one who always came alive in my imagination as I look at the pictures’. I was a child and I was confused.
After the simple introduction, as the days went on, dad started to spent less and less time with me. After work, dad and Lisa, his new wife, my new mum, would take a drive to the shopping mall. The mall seemed to be Lisa’s favourite outing place. The beach seemed not to be in her vocabulary. The boys were disgruntled as week after week went by without a visit to the beach. I found new pots and new imaginary dolls to cook and feed, right within the sanctuary of my room. My nanny seemed to be the only adult person who knew where I was and what I was doing in there. I felt neglected.
I retreated to eating my candy bars, which were more than enough, now that Lisa had discovered an easy way of buying my quietness. Nanny also kept me well fed, with peanut butter sandwiches and all kinds of juicy drinks. Pretty soon, I became the chubbiest and smartest child in kindergarten.
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Often with true stories, there are too many details that are imperative to you, but not really needed for the reader. I think testimonials can be some of the hardest things to write. My main advice would be to pick one aspect, tighten it up, add a conflict or two, along with body language, dialog and thoughts and lots of trimming.
This is just a very rough example to show you what I mean:
Since Mum passed away before I turned two, my memories of her came from photo albums and the stories Daddy told.
It was hard to keep up with older brothers, but my little legs chugged right behind them. I'm not sure if someone broke something or the chaos was too much for Dad (or maybe the neighbors), but Dad started hauling us off to the beach. He'd come home from work, drop his briefcase, and whisper, "Who wants to go to the beach?"
The squeals of assent were as much of the routine as gathering shells and dumping sand from our sneaks.
Suddenly,everything changed. Dad brought home (even today I can't think of her without wrinkling my nose and my stomach doing flip-flops) Lisa.
He had a goofy grin. "Kids met your new mom."
I swallowed back the tears and glanced at the photo album, which had been conveniently placed up on the top shelf. <i>Who said we need a new mum, especially one like her?</i>
I know I practically rewrote the story, and I don't mean to hijack your childhood. But in cases like this, it's often easier to show than tell. I tried to set up the special relationship right away. I also introduced a conflict. Even though it's nonfiction, a real conflict is quite likely. By adding body language and dialog that may or may not have happened, I turned it into creative fiction. The most important thing is editing details so important to you, but not needed to move the story forward,
The general gist of the story us still there (I hope), but there is also sadness and a sense of urgency to read more. You have some incredible talent. You placed me right in the heart of that little girl and made me want to help tell her story. You have passion and probably 1000s of short stories like this. I urge you to make time to read and comment on every story in this level. If you can only say one thing you truly liked, then do that. Soon, you'll be able to find one thing that didn't feel right to you. Write that too, but don't forget to include the positives too. I try 2 for each critique.Start with a positive and end with one. (Sometimes finding a couple of positives can be a challenge in itself, but pray and God will open your eyes.)
Your story was definitely on topic. The funny thing about growing up, it doesn't always happen when we are little. I sense a deep desire in you to keep growing.
Next, since we have a mini break, I want to challenge you to comment on every entry this week. I believe the more you read and comment, the more you will grow and you will amaze yourself with what God has in store for you. Sit down, because I think it is something huge. Don't give up and don't let discouragement control you. God has great plans. If you need help or want took ask a question, feel free to PM me. God bless and don't stop!
I liked it.
I want to encourage you to pull your reader into whatever you write. The first paragraph, even the first sentence should hook your reader by the collar and make them listen.
Some stories and testimonies end tragically and not on a positive note. You are here and able to write about your story to help others, giving glory to Jesus. Thank you for sharing your testimony with us.
Your story has a lot of potential. Keep writing allowing God to shine through