Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: TRAVELER (01/28/16)
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TITLE: The Rocker | Previous Challenge Entry
By Wendy Godwin
02/03/16 -
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“Mom, Gabriel is driving me crazy!” Ashley switches her cell phone to the speaker setting while she tries to convince her five year old to get into the bathtub. Her cell phone getting precariously closer and closer to the bath water as it hangs in her right front blouse pocket and she leans over to make sure all the shampoo is rinsed from Gabriel’s hair. Sherry laughs quietly to herself as she listens to Gabriel’s splashes and contentions along with her daughter’s pleas for him to “Just let me help you so we can get finished!” from the other end of the line before reassuring her daughter and hanging up. Oh, how she remembers those days! If only she could persuade Ashley that it will get easier. Well maybe not easier, but will be worth it still. If only Ashley saw her own potential. The potential that Sherry saw in her. Although she was a single mom, Ashley would be okay. Her job as a teacher’s assistant taxed her to her limit some days, but Ashley was not afraid of hard work. She would finish school someday, too. Someday soon, hopefully.
“The Voice”, one of Sherry’s favorite tv shows, plays on the small flat screen in the other room. But Sherry chooses instead to stay here in this room. Mom hasn’t been doing well. Margie, the hospice nurse will stop back by in the morning. Sherry pulls the old rocker up next to Sandra’s bed. No, tonight she will sit with Mom just a while longer before going to watch tv in the other room. Sherry rocks gently in the old rocker as Sandra drifts quietly off.
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Sherry is Sandra's daughter. She is also Ashley's mother and Gabriel's grandmother. I thought that the reader would infer that from the beginning of the paragraph where I talk about Sandra getting the rocker in anticipation of the baby's arrival and then rocking two day old Sherry at the end. Maybe I should have given more information though?
I'd urge you to do more showing to pull the reader in even more. For example you could do something like this: Wincing, Sandra carefully perches herself on the new rocking chair. Ow, they didn't tell me the hardest part of having a baby would be sitting!
You do have some great descriptions, I'd just urge you to paint a picture with the words instead of just telling.
I enjoyed this. I think you did a nice job of this original take. I didn't have any problem understanding who was who. I liked how you showed the conflict of aging. I especially related to this piece because Mom would call me and complain (not too bad, just normal stuff) about her mom. I would laugh and say in twenty years, I'll be calling my daughter and complain about you, and then M will call her daughter and complain about me. Unfortunately, my mom died quite young at 57, and I never had that opportunity. I feel cheated in an odd way, yet it makes me smile to think of and your story reminded me of that too. I have a tear in my eye, a lump in my throat, and a smile on my face. Thanks for sharing.