Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SLOTH (indolence; laziness) (01/29/15)
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TITLE: Summer School | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kristine Baker
02/01/15 -
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“Can I have a goldfish, Mom?” Tiffany asked as she pressed her face in closely to the aquarium that held about fifty fish.
“No!” replied Tiffany’s mother as she watched the fish race around in the aquarium. “You are not consistent in walking the dog, so how could adding a fish to your responsibilities be good for you?” her mother asked.
“Mom, I promise I will walk the dog and take care of the fish too,” Tiffany said as she kept her eye on the one fish she desired and already named Nugget.
The begging and pleading went for a few rounds and Tiffany’s mother was worn down and gave up the fight. They picked out a fish bowl, a container of fish food and had Pete, the store clerk, roll up his sleeve and chase fish around the tank with a little net until he caught Nugget.
In the car on the way home Tiffany held tightly to the bag with Nugget swimming around and said, “Thank you, Mom! I will take good care of Nugget. Even though it is summer break from school, I will get up early every day and feed him, clean his bowl once a week and walk the dog every morning,” she promised.
“Tiffany, be sure to feed Nugget at the same time every day. Fish need consistency,” her mother warned.
“I will,” Tiffany replied confidently as she gazed at Nugget.
The first week with Nugget, Tiffany sprang out of bed every day at 7:00 a.m. and greeted him as he swam circles in his bowl that she placed on her dresser. After giving him a little spoonful of food, she left to walk the dog. She gave Nugget fresh water at the end of the week.
The second week was a little different for Nugget and the dog. Being summer break, Tiffany began to sleep in a little longer each day. One day she woke up at 8:00 a.m., another day at 9:00 a.m., and yet another at 11:00 a.m. She greeted Nugget, who swam in circles of excitement when he saw the food in her hand, especially the day she slept in until 11:00 a.m. Tiffany quit walking the dog.
By the end of the fourth week, Nugget was swimming in cloudy water and was fed sporadically.
“Tiffany, what is that smell coming out of your bedroom?” her mother asked.
“I don’t know,” she said as she yawned and rolled over on the couch facing the cushions. Tiffany had been sleeping more than anything else during her summer break.
“Go check on Nugget, right now!” her mother demanded while walking out the door for a 3:00 p.m. appointment. “And take the dog for a walk!” she yelled.
“I will,” replied Tiffany, not moving from the couch.
That evening, after dinner, Tiffany went into her bedroom and gagged at the smell her mother told her to check on earlier that day. She scanned the dirty food dishes lying on the floor and didn’t think the smell came from them. Then she saw Nugget, floating in the cloudy bowl.
“NUGGET!” Tiffany screamed with tears filling her eyes.
Tiffany’s mother came running in to see what the matter was.
“Mom, Nugget died!” Tiffany said with tears streaming down her face.
“When was the last time you fed Nugget or gave him fresh water?” Tiffany’s mother interrogated.
“I don’t remember,” Tiffany said looking down at the ground.
“Honey, I warned you that fish need consistent feeding and clean water. We are going to have to flush him down the toilet and wash that stinky bowl,” said her mother while pinching her nostrils shut.
Tiffany went to bed that night with a heavy heart. Remorseful, she slipped out of her bed and knelt at the side.
Tiffany prayed, “Dear God, I have made a habit out of sleeping too much and it cost the life of Nugget. Please forgive me for my sloth-like lifestyle this summer. Please grant me boldness to take the steps necessary to be more responsible with my dog and everything else you give me. Amen.”
Tiffany learned an unforgettable life lesson about the detriment of laziness. The rest of the summer Tiffany woke up every day at 7:00 a.m. and walked the dog.
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One thing you may want to consider is to do more showing than telling. One way to do that would be to use narrative lines instead of taglines. For example: "You don't walk the dog every day, so how can you care for another animal too?" Her mom raised her right eyebrow, jetted out her chin as she glared at her daughter.
Instead of using the tagline, she asked, I tried to create a picture for the reader while also showing her personality and identifying the speaker.
This is a great idea for a kids' story. Though the mother was a good role model, she didn't solve the problem for the kid. That's a great attribute for a children's story. It's great that the daughter knew on her own to pray and walk the dog. I don't think a kid would use the word sloth, and you don't need the topic word in the story for it to be considered on topic. I think you nailed the topic and really showed the reader not only the sin itself, but the real consequences of committing that sin. Great job.
If prayer hadn't been taught in this family, the lesson may not have been learned.
A nice story with just enough descriptive words to keep it moving.