Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: GREED (avarice, particularly for wealth and things) (01/22/15)
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TITLE: Having It All | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kristine Baker
01/25/15 -
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“Hello, Molly, may I speak with Steve?” the caller asked.
“Who shall I say is calling?” replied Molly in her continued respective tone.
“My name is Sam Nichols. I am new down the street,” replied the caller.
“One moment, Sam, I will see if Steve is available,” Molly replied.
Holding the mouthpiece of the phone as tightly as she could against her torso to muffle her voice, Molly yelled, “Steve, Sam Nichols is on the phone for you!” even though Steve was standing next to her.
Handing Steve the phone, Molly took a few steps away but stayed within earshot to listen in on her big brother’s phone conversation.
Clearing his throat, Steve said, “Hello, this is Steve.”
Unable to hear what Sam was saying on the other end of the phone, Molly gathered from Steve’s responses he was being invited to a party at Sam’s house.
“This sounds like fun, but can you hold on a moment while I check with my parents to see if it is okay for me to come?” Steve asked politely. He set the phone down to search the house for either parent.
Padding back to the caller, Steve picked up the phone and with excitement in his voice told Sam he would be there. After he hung up, Molly questioned Steve about the call.
“The new kid, Sam, just invited me to his birthday party next Saturday. Dad said it was okay for me to go. Molly, remember watching the movers bring in their stuff? Remember seeing the pool table, Ping-Pong table and pin-ball machine? This is going to be a great party,” Steve said with a twinkle in his eye.
Steve and seven other boys from the neighborhood, with birthday gifts in hand, arrived at Sam’s the following Saturday. They were awestruck at the bright lights of the pin-ball machine, the freshly wracked balls on the pool table and the brand new paddles on the Ping-Pong table. Scanning the shelves in the room, the boys noticed that Sam had every toy and game imaginable. In the corner, Steve spied a race track and a train set and he secretly vowed to be the train conductor.
“Don’t touch anything guys!” Sam shouted as he directed the boys to the kitchen. “Let’s have some cake and ice-cream and you can watch me open my presents,” Sam continued. So the boys shuffled into the kitchen and were seated around a large table. Sam’s mother had placed candles in the cake and lit them as the boys sang an off-key, pre-pubescent rendition of “Happy Birthday” to Sam. Each boy ate their cake and ice-cream quickly in anticipation of playing in the toy room, but they had to wait until Sam opened his gifts.
Tearing into the first gift, Sam said, “Thank you, Steve, for the Tonka truck. I already have one just like it!” And placing it to the side, he moved on to the next gift which was a set of Matchbox cars from another boy and he had the same response, “Thanks, but I already have these.” And so it went on with the other gifts.
Handing each boy that attended the party a little gift bag, Sam thanked them for coming and politely saw them out the door subtly announcing that the party was over.
When Steve arrived home, he tossed his gift bag on the table and sulked in a chair. Molly was on the floor coloring a picture and his dad moved his Bible away from his face to inquire about the party.
“Dad, it was awful! Sam has every toy imaginable but he would not let us play with anything. All the gifts he received today from me and the other boys were toys he already owns. Dad, what is wrong with Sam?” Steve asked with tears filling his eyes.
“Well, Steve,” dad smiled, “I just read the answer in the Bible, Luke 12:15. Jesus, tells the crowd around him to ‘Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.’ ”
Just then Molly looked up from her work and asked Steve, “Would you like to color with me?”
Fiction
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Well done.
God bless~
I am not sure if I see greed in the boy or indulgence in the mom (parents).
The mom's conduct left a lot to be desired if she was the one that organized the party. The boy may have only been following directions from his parents. The boy may need some teaching in how to win friends.
Keep being creative in your story lines.
You used good wording to tag your dialogue. However, you don't have to tag every line with, "He said, she said", when your characters are conversing. Sometimes that interferes with the flow. For example:
“My name is Sam Nichols. I am new down the street,” replied the caller.
“One moment, Sam, I will see if Steve is available,” Molly replied.
You don't need the "Molly replied," especially because she addressed him by his name, so we already know who is speaking, as she is the only other character who has been introduced at this point. And try changing up the tags back and forth from the end of their lines to the beginning of their words. Ex: "The voice of a young boy sounded through the receiver, "Hello, this is Sam Nichols..."
Just a little something to think about. I look forward to reading your next entry. Blessings!