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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Life (06/15/06)
Claire screamed with pain as the blade sunk into her skin. She loved the way it felt, the sight of blood running down her arm gave her a sense of relief.

However, soon the relief she felt betrayed her. That one little cut was just the beginning and her fury raged.

“I hate my life!”

She clawed at her arms and sawed back and forth, continuing her fiery rage.

Claire looked at her arms, stained and torn. She now felt ashamed of herself which only made her feel worse.

“I have failed myself! I don’t deserve to live!”
Her tears now ran down her cheeks much like the blood down her arms.

She was angry at herself now. She picked up things and started throwing them at her reflection in the mirror.

“You are ugly!” She fell to the ground like someone would drop a bag of trash.

She felt like trash… useless trash.

“I should have never been born!” Claire stood up, and determined she ran into her parent’s room and got the gun.

She locked her bedroom door, pointed it at her head and…

She woke up in a cold sweat. With tears running down her cheeks, she stared at the scars on her wrist and all the scars that are bigger and larger going up towards her shoulders.

“Lord, I thank you that I am still alive! That nightmare felt so real and I am just Thankful I have my life. I promise I will never cut myself again.”
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This article has been read 1072 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Ann Darcy
06/22/06
Nice story. You had a wonderful plot line and a good ending. Now, take what you have and expand it a little. Get inside her head and feel what she's going through. That's the fun part of writing! I can already see your improvement from when you first started here. Great job!
Stephen Paynter
06/22/06
I was really impressed with this writing - I started to feel that I knew her desperation and self-loathing. You have chosen a powerful and moving theme too - I only hope you are not writing from first-hand experience! I also liked the way you brought the story to a conclusion: for by concentrating on her prayer, you avoided the platitude of God stepping in a making everything all right. Good job!
Dara Sorensen
06/22/06
Good; I see the girl's pain very clearly. Next time, don't be afraid to continue the story more; you got my attention through it, it would be even better if it were longer. :-)
Val Clark
06/24/06
You handle emotion well, sustaining it through the story; this is a great ability for a writer to have. Your opening line is a great ‘hook’, you got me in and I wanted to read on and know more. Now take the time to show me more. :-) yeggy
Sue Dent
06/25/06
Well, what a relief to find out it was a dream(whew) . . . but then to find out that it had really happened :0. . . but then to find out she'd come to terms with what she'd done to herself through the grace of God!(whew) Can you say roller coaster ride! A powerful roller coaster ride! Excellent job!
Sherril Wendling
06/26/06
Beautiful job! The suspense, the highly charged emotions, the pathos of her bondage to self-hate are skillfully developed.

One suggestion: To make this already-super piece even more real to the reader, I would sprinkle it with a few chillingly descriptive details. For instance, you wrote, "She picked up things and started throwing them..." Why not play this up for extra dramatic effect? Perhaps something like, "Her fingers curled around the empty wine goblet. It hit the wall and exploded into a sea of tiny shards. She snatched the romance novel on the bedtable and heard it smack against the mirror..Then the hairbrush, the lamp..."

With a little more time and TLC, this great piece could be an eyepopper! Have fun!
Dr. Sharon Schuetz
06/26/06
This is great. I agree, expand it with some good emotion and you'll have a masterpiece. Good job.
Trina Courtenay
06/26/06
Great beginning. My heart raced throughout it. Keep up the great work.

Trina<><
terri tiffany
06/26/06
Everyone has given you such good feedback that I don't know what else to tell you except I would have liked to see it go abit longer. It was vivid but I also thought where she threw 'things' should be more specific. You have such potential at being a very good writer!! Nice job!!
George Parler 
06/26/06
Wow, super intense. Her rage against her life magnified with every line. Good writing.
dub W
06/27/06
Loved the intense writing, really powerful. Be careful about exclamation marks, don't over do them and kill the narrative, one per 700 words is enough.