The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/22/06
I love your closing line--great surprise ending!

It would be helpful for readers' understanding of what's going on if sentences were shortened.

Great concept!
What a unique perspective. I really enjoyed this and the surprise ending. Good job. Well written.
06/27/06
Interesting take on the topic. You held my interest all the way through wondering what her diagnosis could be. I would suggest inserting more commas to help your story read better, in addition to shortening some sentences. Good job.
I agree with the others. Loved your twist. I look forward to seeing just what you'll write about next quarter.

Blessings!
Trina<><
I really enjoyed this! Super ending. I'm not saying the other comments are wrong, but personally I didn't stumble over any of your sentences or punctuation on my first read through. (But then again, I like reading the Puritans, so don't take too much notice of me!)

Your story is intrigingly open-ended - I have all sorts of questions that I want to ask about this world you have created. For example, why was Life such a
rare diagnosis? But this is not a criticism. I don't feel I've been cheated by this lack of closure - more, just made to reflect and consider. Good job!