The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
06/09/06
Very good story. It was easy to read and inspiring. I hate to be in that valley of I! Glad he found the way out. In Christ's Love,

Julia
Great job. We were studying Romans 7 yesterday in Sunday School. It's a difficult chapter to read, but I liked the way you used it here.
William,

(nice hint by the way) Ok, you asked for some words, here they come. LOL. First, in the second sentance you didn't need a comma after "but." That should've been one independant phrase. I did find a few grammer errors, which can be caught if you get someone to read your work before submitting it. I have to do that. Also, when quoting the verse, only use a few lines. Many readers will stop reading and you'll lose their attention. Now for the positive. I LOVED IT! This is so creative and my favorite type of writing. I adore allegory/metaphorical pieces. I love them because the readers can identify with them so closly. I completely identified with it. I loved the characters, the plot, the flow, the dialogue. I LOVED the message. The only thing is the whole peace aspect. I got it right away. But you may have to highlight the topic a little bolder to make sure you stay on topic. It's especially important if you want to swim out of the massive sea of beginners. I know you're writing won't keep you back because you have talent. MUCH TALENT! Don't be discouraged, keep writing. Try to judge your pieces based on the judges criteria before submitting and you'll be out of Beginners befor eya know it!

God Bless,
Jess.

(I have the pm service if you have any questions.)
06/12/06
I relish your creativity (you are a writer worth watching--I shall add you to my Author Tracker list!) and your allegorical way of getting a message across (so much more appealing to me than "preaching" opinions!).

Since you asked for suggestions, here's the only thing I noticed. The paragraph beginning: "The man knew he could minister now." is a change in point of view from the narrator of the rest of the story. It can disrupt the reading flow (I had to stop and reread, just to make sure I had the right man). Try rearranging the paragraph to make it smoother, for example: "The old man lowered his staff. He knew he could minister now...." and move on to what he has to say to the young traveler.

You are destined for higher levels at FW, of this I have no doubt! Keep up the great work! God bless your writing.