The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/14/06
This goes right to the point. You didn't need a lot of words to tell your story and I like how you so naturally wove Scripture into the narrative, not "tacked on" but a genuine part of the mother's thoughts. Good!
05/15/06
Good, but I'd have liked it a little longer - tell us more about her feelings - what did she think in the car? What was it like getting into the hospital, waiting in the waiting room? Get us under her skin. This has the potential to be a really nice tight piece.
Nicely done.

But, I agree with Helen. You had a great opportunity to expand a bit and still keep your message. Maybe a flashback or two?

You have the potential for high-impact, impressive piece.