The Official Writing Challenge
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Some lovely metaphors here. It was spoiled a bit by the way you split up your sentences - a bit like free verse. But underneath that, there was some really good writing.
I think this would be perfect if it was put back into prose. I love the descriptions and the comparison. Well done.
This is good. It looks to me like you might have used a word processing program that capitalizes words at the beginning of the line. If this is the case watch for it. It can be disruptive. Otherwise, great read.