The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
10/26/18
I can relate to this. Sometimes I just wish I could take a trip to see that glorious place God has prepared for those who love Him. What a beautiful reminder that this earth is not our home!
This is a lovely idea. I thought the first dialog part was brilliant. It felt so real and visceral. The emotions just oozed from the wonderful selection of words.

I'd have loved just a bit more body language in the opening to paint a cleaer picture. For example, I might suggest something like: Kicking off my shoes, I glanced around my house. I could feel my upper lip curl into a sneer as I collapsed into a heap. Tears started to trickle as I vented my frustrations. "Okay, God, I want to move. Now! I've begged you to not let me see all this evil. But no, you let it play out right in front of me. Again! I can't stand it. Haven't I trusted you year after year? Either get rid of this evil or get me a new place. Now!" Surprised by my venom, my cheeks grew hot as I furrowed my brow. I closed my eyes again and mumbled,"In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."

I know I took a lot of liberties, but I wanted to show you how you could carry that frustration through. I tightened it up to help with the pacing. I also took out the Bible reference (you could save that for the end or as a footnote). Although, remember if you start a new paragraph during dialog, the new paragraph should start with quotation marks. I also wanted to show more body language to help develop the character.

You do a great job of showing your interaction with God. I think the idea of Jesus taking you on a trip is unique and fun. Although it wasn't subtle, I also appreciated how in Jesus presence, the anger subsided. I'd love to see it happen just a bit more with body language, maybe cheeks feeling hot, but warmness and calmness blanketing your body.

Your message is a powerful one and has a clear Christian message. You grabbed my attention right away with both an internal conflict and an external one. I noticed you used a lot of exclamation points, but save them for dialog and let your excellent word choice do your exclaiming for you. I liked the ending. It wasn't entirely predictable and left me feeling hopeful. You've done a great job with this and I'm eager to read more of your work.