The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/23/18
What a sweet story. I'm a proud grandma so I can totally relate to how Hazel felt. The paragraph at the end of the story was encouraging. Your dialogue was believable. I would encourage you to print out your story and read it many times over before submitting it. There were quite a few grammatical errors. Once you download your story, you can preview it and make changes before submitting it as well. A polished story will shine brightly.
This is a sweet story, as a mom, grandma, and prior OB nurse I could relate to all of the characters. You did a nice job of developing them given the tight word limit.

One thing I might suggest is to paint a picture instead of tell what happened. For example: Stretching her arms and legs, Madeline woke from her peaceful sleep. She groaned as she tried to turn over. "Man, my muscles ache. I ache in places I didn't think it was possible to hurt."
I did take some liberties but it sets up more of a picture and makes the reader wonder why she's so sore.

I think you did a great job of writing on topic but making it unique and fresh. I don't think you need that last paragraph. It changes the tone of the story some. I think the readers will pick up on most of it, but you could always take a line and make it part of the dialog.

You did a great job and will touch many hearts. I look forward to reading your next story.
Thanks for sharing this story - lots of comments so I'll just say - keep writing!
07/26/18
Congratulations on your 3rd place in Beginners. Well done. Keep writing.