The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
07/19/18
As a Beginner you may not understand the Preview opportunity given to catch typos, missing words, etc. A great Writing Challenge feature. Check it out. You Will be happier with your story when you see it online:-).
Hey good job - I find with a compilation of thoughts it sometime flows better in a chronological order - maybe start with breakfast and move through your day. Cheers!
07/23/18
I think you're off to a good start here. I can relate to wanting to eat healthy but then stress comes along and it's like I can't wait to get a hold of some chili cheese fries. You could try and pull your readers in by using your emotions. Show us how you feel when you eat unhealthy foods. Show us how you feel when you eat healthy foods. You did that with taking communion in sharing with us how it made you feel. Also, possibly making an outline first would help you organize your thoughts. Keep writing.
You have a great start here. You've done a fine job of writing on topic. You had words left so I might encourage you to expand on it some. Paint a picture for the reader. Maybe create an argument in your mind like: My stomach growls and I inhale deeply. <i>Ahhh McDonald's.</i> My stomach lurches as soon as my olfactory gland deciphers that wonderful fragrance. My brain nags me, <i>Be healthy. Stay strong. </i>
Something simple like that creates a conflict for the reader, making it more exciting and I ticking your reader to read more.
I like the part about the Last Supper. It could use a bit of a transition. For example, using above example, I might do something like: Suddenly as my brain and stomach argue over where to eat, my soul speaks softly, <i>What about spiritual food? </i> You mention it makes you feel sad to think about that, but I'd love to hear more details about why it makes you sad and also blessings you receive when you are able to celebrate communion. I think you have a great foundation here. But the ending just seems to end. I might leave it on a note like this (again going with above example). After my stomach wins the argument and I gobble down a burger and fries, I realize my soul is still hungry. I crank the car around and head for home. After grabbing blueberries and a banana, I open my Bible and read. That should hold me over until I can celebrate communion in church next week.

I know I gave you a lot of examples, but I wanted to show some ways to tweak it just a bit. Everyone enjoys a good conflict in the beginning to pull that reader in right away. By using transitions, it will help the story flow some, and your good message will make many people stop and think. Keep writing, and even as important, reading. I'd love to challenge you to read and comment on every article in this level and a handful in each of the others. You'll get a lot from it and will bless others with your feedback and compliments. Keep at it and don't get discouraged. You have some great raw talent and I look forward to reading more of your work.