The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
05/10/18
I have this happen so many times. Or, our dog is barking in the backyard - and he only barks for legitimate reason - and we're searching for someone or something. Thanks for sharing this story. God bless.
05/10/18
I think a lot of people can relate to this: unknown sounds in the dark, and what do you do about it? I'm so glad this story had a happy ending.

One thing I would have liked more of is further details regarding the noise: such as someone tiptoeing around the corner and bumping into something, resulting in more noise.

All in all, good job, though. This story has a nice flow to it. You started it well, ended it well, and made a great point at the end.
05/10/18
Thanks for sharing. Good description of a scary event. Maybe check your piece in the preview for an extra space between paragraphs, and punctuation. Nice!
05/10/18
Great job with description and story content.

Glad everything turned out okay.

Well done,
Blessings~
That must have been scary. I’m glad everything turned out okay. I was a little surprised when you mentioned it could have been a person or a large rodent. Up until that point, I was thinking it was sonething bigger than a rodent. Perhaps you could have described the sound a bit more. But I thought you did a good job. I felt the fear with you.
You have a great foundation here. I liked how you showed the conflict right away. You could make this even better by using thoughts, body language, and dialog (with quotation marks) to paint more of a picture for the reader. For example, I might suggest an edit like this:
I stepped out of my truck with my head pounding from the busyness at work. A cool breeze tickled my face. I smiled, stretched, and looked up. <Thank you, God, for a wonderful conclusion to a crazy day. </i>
Before I could say, Amen, the sound of pounding footsteps yanked me out of my meditative state.
My wife and sister almost knocked me over. Crystal had tears in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "We heard something! Maybe it's a burglar!"

I know I took some liberties, but sometimes it's easier to see with an example. I think you did a nice job of writing on topic. You did a nice job of developing the characters too. With a little tweaking, I think you have a wonderful story. I wish I knew what was making all that racquet, but you did a nice job of showing we may not always get our answers. Just recently, the challenge rules were changed. The entries need to have a clear Christian theme in order to be eligible for the contest. I think it would be easy to add a verse or an extra line that shows God is always watching over us or we may not know what caused the noise, but God, always omniscient, surely does. Keep writing and don't get discouraged. You have some wonderful potential in this piece and I look forward to reading more of your work. I have feeling you'll blossom quickly.