The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/31/17
​It took me the longest time to finally get into the habit of not putting the title in the text box. It counts against the valuable word count. This is an easy fix for you.

I like how you are trying to describe a scene. You have some long sentences though. For example, in paragraph 1, second sentence, you wrote:

"The metered, rhythmic sound was interspersed with the calls and chirps of the birds in the big willow tree directly across the lawn from the veranda."

Another way to reword this might be:
There was a metered, rhythmic sound; it was interspersed with the serenades of birds nestled in the big willow tree. When the veranda beckoned her to relax, the tree was always a sight to behold.
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This example is paragraph 1, third sentence. You wrote:

"It was a familiar, soothing sound to the 90-year-old lady’s soul and the shady porch gave her a lovely place to nap on a summer’s afternoon."

Another way to reword this might be:
The cadence of the bird's soothing sounds to Sally's 90-year old ears reached down to her soul. Memories from past decades melted in her heart. The blanket of shade from the tree made this the perfect place for a summer afternoon nap.
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This is great wording: Her arthritic knees, always less willing than her mind

Your ending tugged at my heart; well done. Keep writing.
Even if we are not 90, our minds can do weird things or nothing at all.

I liked the picture you gave in this story. Then ending came short and sweet but maybe not what was expected.

Well done.