The Official Writing Challenge
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This tale comes to a satisfying, feel good conclusion. I did think, "How is Maria surviving without her husband to help provide?" Perhaps there could have been a line about her living with her parents or some such? Then the reader wouldn't be taken out of the story.
I enjoyed the way the Indian was this man's neigbour, and behaved as Jesus asks us to. Lovely. Thanks for the read.
06/10/17
I really enjoyed this story. You used a lot of suspense and conflict. You kept me reading to the end. That is what writing is all about.

I will give you some of the things that I feel would have helped it.

Read it out loud and you will catch some phrases or words that don't quite fit, i.e., "Skyscrapers canapies trees" and "Babbled in Delirious"

Check your paragraph breaks especially during dialogue.

I really liked the paragraph that started "Antenor dried the tears..." It could have even been put as the hook to the story.

Great job. God bless.
This story has so much potential. You did a great job of laying the foundation. It needs clearer (maybe more succinct) transitions to help the reader really understand everything, but that can be an easy fix.

Some of the words were descriptive, but didn't move the story forward. With this limited word count, focus on dialog, body language, and thoughts. Use descriptive verbs instead of modifiers. Ex: His neighbor glared at him and snorted. (This shows he's hostile.) Another example might be: Traversing the Amazon, he'd been confronted by rapids, monkeys, anacondas, and even a jaguar. He'd survived them all; but as his fever rose, thoughts tormented him. <i> I tricked them all, but the tiny mosquito that gave me the fever might kill me yet. But I must be strong for Maria. I've a promise to keep. </i> (I put thoughts in italics.)
Again, that's a quick way to show what you were saying in lesser words and all from the MC's POV. (You had a tiny POV shift (head hopping) when you slipped into the neighbor's thoughts. (When the chief knew what the cross meant.) Instead, use dialog to show it. Technically you can't know what someone else know; even if you have had a similar experience, it doesn't mean the other person knows what you know. (just ask my husband). ;)

Overall, you've done a splendid job of writing on topic, drawing the reader in, using dialog and memories to move the story along. The ending is sweet, and I enjoyed this read quite a bit. Keep writing; you have some amazing talent.
06/13/17
A very interesting story. There was a lot of action which kept the story moving.

You have great potential. Follow the guidance given by other reviewers; they are steering you to better writing.

Thanks for entering the Challenge. I wish you good luck with the judges. Keep writing. Nice job.
06/13/17
Wonderful job, I really like your story!
Blessings~
06/13/17
I really like your story and I feel you have a great foundation here.

One of the things I have learned to do with my writing is to read it out loud and listen to how the sentences flow from one to the other. In your case, just a few rearranging of words would have helped. For instance, "Like a ghost under the shadow of the skyscraper canopy tree..." (although I would have used a different word choice for skyscraper).

Very nice job! Keep writing!

06/15/17
I liked the way you built conflict in the beginning of the story, but I thought the ending a bit anti-climatic (too predictable).

I believe you have a gift of storytelling, and I can't wait to read more.
06/20/17
<P>Maria, this was a creative idea for the topic, but it needed a little extra proofing and tweaking. Watch out for things like "telling" instead of "showing," and for shifting character point of view. You can find out about tricky crafting things like this in Jan's lessons in the FaithWriters forums: http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=67</P>

<P>You are a creative writer and I encourage you to keep honing your skill and rising to the Challenge. </P>

<P>Blessings! Deb - Challenge Coordinator</P>
06/20/17
LOL. Forgive me, Eneida. I was thinking about your title character. Sorry for calling you Maria. :-)