Silent | Previous Challenge Entry

how it works

TITLE: Silent | Previous Challenge Entry
By C. Roxanna Tineo
05/11/17
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The woman is stubborn, saying she is merely a “slow learner.” The truth, however, is that she prefers to see the world as black and white. She says it is simpler that way. She lives by her own laws, protecting herself against a world where she has already known so much pain. The rules are her operating manual, offering security... or so she thinks. In reality, she inhabits a prison built with her own hands. This is the only way she knows how to live and get through her days, avoiding making mistakes she might regret. She does not trust and lives in fear. Yet, she wants to love and be free. There is a battle waging inside of her constantly, as her vulnerable side attempts to come up for air, only to be again suffocated by her need to appear strong and be right. Deep inside she knows she is not truly living. But what about righteousness and justice? Should she not desire them? After all, isn’t justice a basic human need? She must hold others accountable. She must stand up for justice. She can’t let others walk all over her. She must set things right and never again allow others to trespass her. That would not be fair. That would not be right. That would certainly not be just. But what is justice? What is right? Or better yet, who is right? Does the woman truly know?

The child is challenging. He is an enigma. He keeps the woman on her knees, praying to God for wisdom on how to fix him. She works so hard, exhausting herself emotionally. She wants to change so much in this child, to mold him with her hands like dough being made into bread. But this one child is not easily persuaded. He is unlike the ones who came before him. This child seems to yell a lot more and do things that leave her feeling helpless. She loves him, of course, but admits many times she struggles to like him. The mother finds his actions offensive. Yet the child is also sensitive, praying at bedtime for the woman while she tucks him into bed. The woman looks at him and wonders how this sleeping angel could make her so mad. He is so strong inside, like a relentless animal fighting for survival. The mother cries and just wants to run and hide. How had she become so weak? How had the child become so angry and dissatisfied?

The woman feels defeated, believing that in some way this must be all her fault. Surely by now she should know how to discipline a child. She just wants peace, no more fights. She wants all the noise to go away. She wants an easy child. She is older now and running out of gas. But this child is bigger than life. He commands attention, relationship, endurance. He will not give up. He pushes, stretching her to the limit. She remembers him as a newborn. He had the kindest eyes, the sort of eyes she could look at forever and get lost in the peace they brought to her heart. The woman cries out to God. “What are you trying to teach me Lord? This all seems so unjust! How can I keep loving someone who is so contrary all the time? How should I respond to this child?” How should I respond to his anger? Then, like a quiet breeze she hears Him say “silent.”

The woman is learning to be quiet, to speak less and observe him when he is angry. She is learning to be still and listen more. She is choosing to know him and fighting the urge to “fix” him and make him do as she prefers. She is letting some things go, hugging the child he is right now rather than demanding that he instantly becomes someone more likeable. She is learning that being “right” is not above loving and being loved. That the pride that comes with winning an argument could never come close to the joy radiating from the eyes of the child who is treated with dignity and feels accepted. She is choosing to give him grace, to quit the war and let evil walls come tumbling down. She is becoming vulnerable and soft. She is raising the white flag, as she embraces her son and surrenders in faith to newfound ways of peace.

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