The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
You have a great message here.
It would help to make use of paragraphs to separate Danny's dialogue from the pastor's.
The Scripture passage you chose is excellent to illustrate the topic.
So what was the sermon about? Ouch! There are times when I would not want to be asked that question. Thanks for reminding me that my worship should always please the Lord.
A good picture of the church when the whole body works well doing its part.

Some need to be working in the "building" while others may need to be working in the community as light and salt as Jesus described we should be.

This is a good start and writing can be fun and rewarding because of the help it gives to others.

Keep writing.
Great job!
Well done.
God bless~
You have a nice foundation of a story here. Personally, I can't imagine sitting in church using my phone, but my family tells me I'm quite naive. That drew me in right away. I like it when the conflict pops out at me in the beginning.

The one thing I would suggest is to use body language, dialog, and thoughts to develop your characters. Don't forget to start a new paragraph each time a different person speaks and to use proper punctuation. For example, I might suggest a tweak like this: As Danny trudged behind the exodus of parishioners, he spotted Pastor Wiley. Licking his lips, he glanced about, searching for an escape route. Finding none, he quickly reached the minister and shook his hand. Danny felt his face grow hot and refused to look the man in the eyes as he mumbled, "Nice sermon."

Pastor Wiley raised his eyebrows and wrapped both hands around Danny's. "Really, what did you like about it?"

Danny tried to wiggle free, but to no avail. Man, he's stronger than he looks! I wish he'd just accept my compliment and let me go.

I took some liberties to show you ways to paint a picture for the reader. Instead of telling of Danny's state of mind, I tried to show he was embarrassed and a bit anxious with body language and by putting thoughts in italics.

I enjoyed your characters. Your message is a great one and so fitting in today's church. I hope you keep writing, and I'd urge you to read and leave feedback on every entry in the first two levels and a few from levels 3 and 4. I think you have a lot of passion and just need to read, read, read, and write, write, write. I enjoyed this short tale from beginning to end.
I felt slightly sorry for the young man. Although, I wouldn't suggest sitting in front if your goal is texting.

Read Shann's suggestions; they are very helpful.

I wrote a poem on the same topic this week.
Many of the suggestions already given here should be very helpful to you. I'll just add that you should also be careful with your tenses. You start out in the present tense (using verbs like 'follows' and 'notices'), but then later, you start to write in the past tense (using verbs like 'went' and 'searched') and then you switch back again. It's best to stick with one tense throughout the whole piece; in this case (straight storytelling mode), past tense would probably be the most effective.
You have a knack at storytelling that is clear and concise.

The message is needed in the church today. Even if the pastor didn't see the young man, God could.

The suggestions given above will help you better your writing skills.

Keep writing
Congratulations, Danny, on placing Highly Commendable in the Beginners category this week.

I think you would have placed higher if your story had definite paragraphs and spacing. Try reading the Editors Choice winners this week.
Danny, as another newbie I thought your subject was great on topic. How we all fit in the puzzle of different gift as God's people.
I believe that everyone has given you great suggestions on improving your article.
Congrats on your recognition.