Trust in the First Degree | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Trust in the First Degree | Previous Challenge Entry
By Shirley Thomas
07/25/16
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The early morning rays of sunlight swallowed the darkness of the night. How I wished the darkness in my heart could disappear as easily. The last few hours of heartbreak had cast a larger than life shadow into the crevices of my heart. One phone call, one minute and the future of our family was forever changed. I looked out the windows of our home, watching the faithful colors of the sunrise dispel the previous blackness of the sky, and a slight, very slight ray of hope entered my mind. But with my next thought, it quickly vanished.
Our son was dead. The words were like a foreign language that had been forced upon me to learn. I could not speak them aloud. The words remained inside my mind, yet they were unable to penetrate my heart. My heart was desperately holding on to hope. Hope that a mistake had been made, hope that I would awaken from a terrible nightmare, but my brain had heard death pronounced over my son, and the words kept repeating themselves over and over again.
Through the years, God had sustained our family through many difficult situations, and I had learned to trust Him in the darkest of dark times. But none of our past desert experiences could possible prepares us to walk through this journey. And the only way I was able to survive the journey was through the power and love of a supernatural God.
In the days that followed that first morning, there were many conversations with God, a time or two it was more of a shouting match, with all the shouting on my end. There were times I could only weep, sometimes silently, and other times loudly. And one day during one of these conversations, I had the ultimate ‘show-down’ with my heavenly Father. I usually got down on the floor during our lengthy talks, and I knew this particular one was probably going to take awhile, so I lay down on the floor, and looked at the ceiling. I began the conversation.
“Why God, why?” I didn’t sense or hear anything. Some people say don’t question God, and others say talk to Him, be honest because He already knows what you’re thinking. I didn’t consider either option. I thought I needed answers, but actually I needed Him to help me.
“I’m not getting up from the floor until I have an answer God.”
Silence. I was quiet and still. I’m not sure how much time passed, but I was determined to hear something from my Father.
Finally, a voice saturated with love spoke, “You either trust me or you don’t. It’s your decision.”
Many would question an audible voice from God, but I heard it, and I felt it deep down within me.
I pondered His response for a few minutes. If I didn’t trust Him, that meant everything I believed was a lie, everything I’d ever taught was a lie, and it also meant my precious son was just dead, not spiritually alive in heaven where I would one day see him again. Needless to say, it didn’t take long for me to make a decision.
“I trust You, Lord. I trust You in the first degree.” Peace began to rise up within me, and gradually over the next few months, joy returned, and my heart began to heal. There were and still are days that are difficult, but with the grace of God, I make it through everyone. I continue to have unanswered questions, and I still think about the ‘what ifs’ sometimes, but I chose not to live in those thoughts. I visit there sometimes, but I don’t dwell there very long. The destiny God has planned for me continues, and I travel it, trusting my God in the first degree every step.

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