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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: COMMUTE (07/07/16)
Doris had not taken a commuter train for years. She began to wish she had known how long the ride would take. She had mistakenly gotten on the ‘local’ rather than the ‘express’ train. This means that the time was doubled, to reach her stop!
She wanted so much to reset her mind into a calmer state. She was very glad this was not her daily required routine to get to work. She had brought her book with her notes to study over while on the train. All the activity on the train even though not loud, easily caused her mind to be distracted and watch the people around her.
A few people were napping, many were using their smart phones texting or surfing the net. While a few others were busy on their lap tops writing in a document file. Maybe they were finishing a report that was due this morning. A smaller number of others were reading the morning newspaper. The activity was done quickly going to finish before their stop.
Now that the train was nearing the last boarding stop, it was standing room only. She got comfortable in her seat and opened her notes with the book. Then the warm smell of coffee and sweet roll really caught her attention. Distracted again she then noticed a few people were standing and were talking about their weekend. Clearly they knew each other well, yet she remembered that each had boarded at different stops, because two of the 5 were sitting.
Just then the announcement came over the loud speaker “Attention, Please be aware of any unattended packages/ back backs or other items around you. Please report any such item to the conductor. The conductor is now coming though the train to collect your fare card/ pass or view your e-fare phone app.”
She then quickly got her card out and placed it into the ticket stub holder. She was one of the few who did this. When the conductor came into the car, many abruptly stopped their activity on lap tops and smart phones. They “instantly” returned to them once their devices once their fare was viewed. They resume as if a light switch at a car race “TO GO” had just been given.
It was clear to see that only a few people were calm. These were the ones, looking out the windows, reading a book or chatting. The ones looking out the window could see the traffic jams on the expressway that they had missed by taking the train. The others were hurried and had a feverish pitch to their typing/ texting. The ones very exhausted were able to nap the past 45 minutes!
Observation of the passengers made the time fly by! So she was only able to review the key part of Romans study. This part she had only really understood just less than 6 months ago. In fact the same week she got her sentence from the court for her DUI.
The end of the line was near as the train’s motion/ speed had changed and the napping people woke up! In fact the whole train took on a get ready to de-board mode. Once in the station and before the doors opened; nearly everyone stood up as if on musical cue!
They all moved in an orderly reflective fashion to exit. Once outside on the platform those who needed to hurry were quicker that the rest and went around the crowd on the sides. Most just followed the leader and moved in a rapid walk. People who were older on handicapped just were passed around. As if they were a herd of sheep following the goat leader.
Once in the terminal, it was like watching an ant hill. People took off almost as if they had a robotic course to follow. All rapidly went in their various directions. Once upstairs at the terminal she looked for her bus to take. People got, on but no one talked to each other She pulled the stop cord to signal she wanted off. Her stop was close to the court room.
She entered the building and met with her lawyer. He explained that her progress was extremely good and that she would most likely get her sentence commuted.
He was right. Her Dui was commuted. She then read her summation notes.
CHIRST’S
OFFERING &
MODDLEING
MAKES
US
THANKFUL
ETERNITLY
She now was calm, since her life had been fully covered in all respects.
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This article has been read 494 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Leola Ogle
07/14/16
That was certainly a long trip for Doris. I like the ending. God bless.
Pat Small
07/14/16
It was a good story, on point. However, there were a number of errors; I think many were due to a lack of last minute proofreading. You need white space and paragraphing for simpler reading. It was a good story, but the mistakes sort of detracted as they took my mind off the flow of it.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
07/15/16
You told an interesting story that was definitely on topic. I could relate to Doris since I rarely take public transportation. I've been on the subway only a few times and it was beyond stressful for this country girl. :)

I purposely used the word told in my first sentence. Many writers struggle against the old show don't tell mantra. If you used more showing, this would catapult this from an interesting story into a fantastic one. For example, if I were helping you edit this, I might suggest something like this: For years, Doris avoided taking the train, but today she had no choice. She groaned as she wedged herself into the last available seat. Doris-girl, you shoulda paid better attention. Only a ninny would get on the local instead of the express. Sighing, Doris reached into her bag and pulled out her Bible. Well, one thing I've learned from my past mess ups is to make the best of a bad situation. I've got the time, I might as well figure out what God is trying to tell me in this passage.
By adding her thoughts and body language, you can paint a more vivid picture for the reader. The other advice I'd offer is don't use exclamation points except maybe in dialog. Instead, let your word choice do your exclaiming for you.
Lastly, the real conflict here is Doris going to the courthouse to find out if she'll do jail time for her DUI. That's a great conflict that almost everyone can relate to. I'd focus on that instead of the part about the backpacks and tampering. It added some suspense to the story, but to me, it really didn't feel resolved. This is just my opinion, but I was more intrigued by the pending courthouse visit. I'd have loved to hear more about her repenting over the DUI and worrying about what she would do if she did have to go to jail. The other stuff didn't feel as real to me.

With that said, you have the foundation for a stunning story here. I think it was quite creative to use two forms of the topic in the story. I also really liked your MC. She messed up (who hasn't?), yet she's striving to do better. She's taking the train when many would be bold enough to drive to the courthouse. Doris is a great character. You did a good job of delivering your message while keeping me entertained.
Trudy Newell
07/15/16
Shann is right, using two meanings of the word 'commute' was cool.

I also liked the acrostic.

Everything is here to make a great story if you follow Shann's advice.

'Show and tell' is still very hard for me.

Keep writing - God bless.
Joy Bach 
07/18/16
A lot has already been said. Just one more point. It's hard to read without white space. That's a simple fix. Bless you.
Mike Hill 
07/19/16
Love the transformation of the MC. Heartwarming. Growing up in small towns in the South, public transportation is not a part of my life, except, when we travel to big cities around the country and internationally. It is fun reading about public commutes. I think I would rather like one as it seems you have time to to something other than drive. I really like the advice already given and cannot constructively add to it.