The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/28/16
Great job!

Well done...short but powerfully written.

Blessings~
04/29/16
I thought your subject was quite creative. Good job!
04/30/16
Very well done! I would suggest leaving out "hot early" and simply put "the evening air...." - it would seem to read more smoothly...
04/30/16
Great use of descriptive narrative to retell the story of Jesus's birth.

I would just delete the phrase: On the first part of our journey and start with "The evening air".

Enquired should be inquired.

What does Herod was aghast look like? Try showing rather than telling here.

I would rewrite the one line something like this: After reaching our destination, we delicately unloaded our precious gifts of gold, myrrh, ...

Eliminate But in the last paragraph and tighten up the next sentence after it for more clarity.

This was well done and the suggestions are just that.
05/02/16
Short and sweet. Well done over all. A previous commentator made some good suggestions. We are all still learning. Keep writing.
05/04/16
A good, short story, about the humble beginnings of Christ. You have potential. Keep writing.

Note: I only say this because I kept getting coached on this myself. We do not put the story title in with the story's content. It took me a bit to get used to doing so. Here's hoping you have better, quicker results than I.
05/05/16
Congratulations! Short and sweet.
05/05/16
Congratulations, Gloria, on your 3rd place win in the Beginners category.
05/07/16
Congratulations on 3rd Place Beginners!