The Official Writing Challenge
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03/04/16
Even athletes need a fresh start. I thought your ending was well done.

I noticed that you sometimes used different verb tenses, and I found that confusing. Your story seems to do more telling than showing.

03/04/16
I really enjoyed your story. Good job!

Blessings~
To make it more real, I would think that Lindsey would need to be telling Cory that she was intending to be baptized for the forgiveness of her sin. This would help demonstrate to Cory that her belief in Jesus was real and she was determined to obey Jesus now.

It needs just a little more "punch".
03/08/16
I agree with Larry that Lindsay's conversion experience could be stronger with a declaration that she intended to be baptized. She has borne Cory two children out of wedlock. Shouldn't that also bother her as much as her distant past? As you have drawn her character, she would probably not pick that conversation to say so explicitly, but giving Cory some reason to wonder might show how much more than just hockey and Lindsay's "fling with religion" was on his mind as he took off his skates.
03/10/16
Congratulations, Don, on placing 3rd in the Beginners category.