The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/02/16
I liked reading about Little Luke. At times your story could have used more showing and less telling, but I thought this was well done over all.
This is an adorable story. My heart melted as I read it. I liked both characters quite a bit. You set up the conflict nicely.

My main red ink would be to encourage you to tighten your writing. If it's not needed to move the story forward, leave it out. Just to show you what I mean, this is one way I might tighten it up if I were editing it: Every morning, Paul slung the mailbag over his shoulder. His knees buckled from the weight, but that didn't prevent him from whistling as he walked. As he approached each house, he said a silent prayer. Dear God, I'm not sure if there's good news or bad today, but I pray that you give the Smith family the wisdom to use this information to bring glory to your name.Use me to deliver your Word. Amen.

I tried to show the reader that Paul was happy each morning and cared about his patrons. Instead of telling that Paul is used by God, I showed with a prayer. I tightened things up, and I set it up so you could get to the heart of the story (the little boy) right away.

I used to have to cut up to 2,000 words from my challenge entries, but I soon learned how to make the most of those 750 words. It isn't always easy, but with God's help, I know I've come a long way.

You have a lot of raw talent; you just need to focus it a bit. I think you did a great job of writing on topic in a fun and fresh way. Your message is clear and one we all need reminding of from time to time. Your passion oozes off the page. I do believe God will use your words to bless everyone who reads your work. I know you definitely blessed me tonight.
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