The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Wonderful! at first i thought this conversation was with a lady, never realized it was all about the great love of our Lord Jesus.Hoping this piece gets a place.
Precious message.
This is beautiful, I loved it.
God bless.
This is an excellent piece with a lot of raw emotion and spiritual impact. Here is one suggestion you can take or leave. In your opening, you may experiment by making your first paragraph a lot less informative. Your readers will be awakened gradually, as they are pulled into the gravity of what you are about to say. You don't want to be the "spoiler" of your own creative prose by handing out too much emotional preview.
Here is what you wrote: "I sat in the drawn out silence. Introspective. My mind flittered about mixing thoughts and emotions and caused my heart to spiral drastically with the increasing gravity. I breathed out with a huff of reserve. My voice was barely above a whisper."
What if you just wrote: "I sat down in the drawn out silence. My mind flittered, my heart spiraled, my voice spoke barely above a whisper."
I don't know - just a suggestion.
I thought you used dialogue well in this story. I knew where this was going, but still liked the raw emotion.
Beautiful piece. I hope you do really well with this. You have anyway on a personal level I should think. I thought the red ink comments by Toni were spot on -your words just simplified. Excellent.
Congratulations, Kelly, on placing highly commendable in
the Beginner's division.