The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/05/16
Great job with the topic, well done...

God bless~
02/06/16
This entry has a lot going for it. I most appreciated its unique approach to the topic; you went in a direction that few would think of, and gave your readers an unexpected treat. Also, your pacing is quite good.

The only thing that needs a bit of work, in my opinion, are some minor tweaks in the mechanics of writing: a few punctuation errors, too many adjectives and adverbs, that sort of thing.

I was a bit unclear why both the little blonde girl and the football players had so little money, since you made a point of saying that the ice cream man found an affluent neighborhood.

I liked the lesson in the end, but you perhaps may have hit it a bit hard. It's more effective to let your readers come to the same conclusion that your character did, and showing them by his actions and his countenance rather than telling them.

All in all, this was a strong Level 1 entry with a great deal of promise.
I enjoyed this sweet story. I think you nailed the topic and did so in a fresh and interesting way. I wondered if perhaps the little girl was the daughter of someone who worked at one of the affluent houses, but it might help others if you pointed out why she didn't have money. Again, I'm guessing maybe the players didn't have money with them, or perhaps like many towns, when driving from a affluent neighborhood, you don't have to go far to see poverty. Often it's just around the corner.

I like that you used a narrative line instead of a tagline like he said, but make sure the narrative line is a complete sentence. It's easy to fix like this:
“There will be some happy kids today.” The elderly white-haired gentleman smiled as he slowly drove the small flatbed truck past him.
Remember not to use taglines like he smiled or he laughed since it's really hard to talk while laughing, and smiling doesn't indicate speech. All I did is change the comma after today into a period and started with a capital letter and moved smile. That's a great way to paint a picture for the reader. Notice also, I hyphenated white-haired because you joined two words to make one adjective. It also counts as one word, not two, so you have more words when you properly use hyphens.

I especially enjoyed your message. It fits the title perfectly, but it doesn't read as too preachy. In today's world, it seems there are fewer people who put people ahead of money, but that's how I raised my kids, and I'm so proud when they do that. Nice job.
02/11/16
I want to thank you for your comments and critiques. I am very eager to improve and I really appreciate it. I should have explained in my story that it was occurring in the early 1970's. Thank you for pointing that out.
02/11/16
Congratulations on your 2nd place finish. I enjoyed reading it.
02/11/16
oops- so sorry- I mean't Congratulations on your 3rd place finish.
02/11/16
Congratulations on your 3rd place finish in the Beginners category.

The sight of the ice cream truck always makes me happy even at my old age. Original idea for the story.