The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 412 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
10/29/15
Unfortunately, cruelty is sometimes inflicted on the innocent. Very passionate and descriptive storytelling.

It seemed that the transition to the ending was slightly abrupt since the reader had not been introduced to the teacher yet. However, it was very well written.
10/29/15
This is a very good story. It's a shame that the detainment of Japanese-American citizens is part of our history, but you told the story clearly and gave us insight into the feelings of one of the detainees
10/30/15
I think this was a great story. You may have tried to get the whole story and didn't have enough words due to the 750 max. You were in the prison and then talking about the hot sun etc. think it could be expanded into a longer story, and be very effective.
A good story to remind us what fear, an irrational national fear, can do to a nation.

History could repeat itself here again.

Well written with good graphics.
11/05/15
Loni, Congratulations on your 1st place in Beginners. I couldn't be happier for you. I know you've been working so hard in your writing.
This is an outstanding story. You picked exquisite verbs to bring your story to life such as coursed, rumbled, gagged. You used all of the senses, which made your story feel more like I was watching it on TV instead of reading. That takes skill.

I noticed a couple of tiny things like this line could be tightened tot something like this:
Uniformed officers, armed with rifles affixed with bayonets, swarmed from trucks and buses. (I cut five words and turned swarmed into a our feet verb.) Your way was by no means wrong nor mine better; I just wanted to show how switching the sentence structures up some and tightening can change the pacing.

I do wish you used more dialog or thoughts (just the thoughts should be in italics-- I was jolted back to reality--not a thought{pretty sure it was an accident that it was in italics, but thought I'd mention it for others who may not have understood}), especially in the begining. I know that can take up more words, but by tightening up, you could have something like this:
At school, my teacher bent over a sobbing woman. "Shh, it's going to be okay. God's prophet Isaiah predicted that Jesus, the Messiah, would provide his people a hiding place from the storm."
I tapped her shoulder. "Is it really true? Will he even protect me, a Buddhist?"
She smiled and nodded. "You, too are his child. He loves you so much that he even died on the cross for your sins."

You're probably thinking, only Shann would critique a first place entry. It's probably true, but I hope you know it comes from a place of love and a desire to help you become the best writer possible. My feedback has some liberties in it to demonstrate my point, but even those were a part of your outstanding voice. I think as authors, we can never quite finish a story. Mark Twain is known for saying something like he'll know he's done with the rewrites when he dies. You do have a solid foundation, and I've loved watching you blossom into the writer you are becoming. Telling stories like this is so vital lest we ever forget. You certainly touched my heart. Congratulations on your 1st place win in level one. I can't wait to see what you'll do in level two. Oh and of course, Happy Dance!