The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/16/15
This really made me laugh! I really liked your take on the topic.
07/17/15
Great job in levity and creativity!!

God bless~
I got a good laugh out of the red white and blue hair and “Begin Dating Again after Past Relationships with Men Have Gone Afowl”. Well done!
This is interesting. I enjoyed how you showed she was a ugly tourist, yet oblivious to it. I'm dying to know what she thought she was saying in French. I'm guessing it wasn't a greeting like she thought.

I enjoyed the dialog. Save italics for thoughts or foreign phrases and use quotation marks for actual dialog.

I think you have a delightful sense of humor too. I chuckled at several things (the afowl instead of afoul) is a cute take on the bird watching metaphor. I'll admit when the man entered the scene, the story seemed to take an abrupt turn. It took me by surprise. I think it'd be more effective if you sprinkled clues of her looking for a man right out of the gate. (After reading it again, I wondered if you did mean a good man in the beginning when you described the rare species.) Since I wasn't sure, you might want to start off being a bit more obvious. For example:
She bounced on the balls of her feet as her eyes scanned the airport. Maybe I'll really hit the jackpot and meet my future husband and do some bird watching while I'm in France--ah the country of romance. She felt her eyes turn glassy as she sighed. At least I'll have a break from my humdrum life. Plus I'm going to France--Oh the French men have that accent that makes me wobble.
I know I took a lot of liberties with your character, but I wanted to show you what I meant by showing her conflict right away. Also, by using thoughts and body language, you can really develop your character.
Overall, you did a nice job with this romantic short story. You did a spectacular job with describing her hair and clothes. I think I snort-laughed when I read it because of the perfect picture you created. I can tell you are working on doing more showing and words like chortle and dangled are brilliant descriptive words. I truly enjoyed your interesting character and your fun way of telling a good, fresh story.
07/23/15
Congratulations on your 3rd place. It really was a fun story to read.