Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: THE UGLY TOURIST (07/09/15)
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TITLE: Mr. Grumpy Pants | Previous Challenge Entry
By Julie Blackman
07/16/15 -
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“How much longer mom?” asked Jaimie, swinging her arms back and forth. “It’s taking too long.”
“Sweetie, I told you. We have about another 10 more minutes. You’ll just have to wait patiently,” answered her mother, Angie.
“I’m tired and I want to sit down,” Jaimie whined.
“Okay Jaimie. Listen to me, that’s enough now. You wanted to do the trolley ride so that’s what we’re going to do. You’ll just have to wait!” Angie wiped the beads of sweat forming on Jaimie’s forehead.
Standing in the sunshine was becoming unbearable. Listening to her daughter complain didn’t help much either. She glanced down at her watch and wished for the arrival of the trolley. All of a sudden, Jaimie began stomping her feet—this was unusual.
“I don’t want to wait anymore. I’m thirsty,” Jaimie cried.
“Here’s your water. Drink this and simmer down Jaimie.” It had been an exhausting, but fun-filled day at the San Diego Zoo. The convenience of the “hop on and hop off” trolley was a welcomed relief.
“Oh great. So we’ll have a cranky child on board—wonderful,” said a man standing behind Angie and Jaimie waiting in the queue. “That’s all I need. Why did I have to pick a day when there would be a little miss fussy pants on board.”
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Angie turned to look behind, pulling Jaimie close to her.
“You need to discipline your child. You can’t let her run wild like that. Where’s the respect?” He said.
Angie took a deep breath, turned around, and shook her head. “It’s a good thing I know the Lord,” she muttered. The last few minutes of waiting seemed like an eternity.
The trolley finally arrived and three people disembarked. There was only one bench and an open seat behind it available at the back of the trolley. Angie and Jaimie walked on and sat down in the empty row. Angie snickered as she watched the man roll his eyes when he realized where he would have to sit.
“Hey mister are you gonna stay on or get off? There’s a seat in the back,” said the driver.
The man grunted and slowly walked towards the open seat. “Great, just great,” he said as he sat down.
When the trolley pulled off, Jaimie leaned back onto the bench and looked out of the window. Angie turned towards her and noticed how the guide’s voice seemed to calm Jaimie down as well as herself for that matter. Within minutes, Angie’s eyelids grew heavy and she soon trailed off into a light sleep.
Angie awoke to a couple laughing loudly sitting in front of her. She looked over to check on Jaimie who was busy staring at the man seated behind them.
“Turn around sweetie, it’s rude to stare,” she said.
“He must be really sad, huh mom?”
“Yes. I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said earlier either,” Angie stroked Jaimie’s face.
“I know.” Jaimie turned around to face the man and said, “Maybe if you ask God to be your friend, you wouldn’t be such a grumpy pants.”
“Jaimie! I’m so sorry—.
“You don’t think so, huh?” said the man glaring at Jaimie.
“Oh Yes. He’s my friend and I’m happy all the time,” she giggled and turned to face the window and began to hum.
“Well lady, I apologize. I guess you did a good job after all. Your daughter is quite the encourager. Turning to God is the one thing I haven’t tried yet. Maybe I will when I get back home.”
Before Angie could respond, Jaimie chimed in “What you waiting for? I know He can turn your frown upside down today, mister.”
They all looked at each other and roared with laughter.
Fiction
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Remember to start words like Mom with a capital when used as a proper noun. For example: My dad kissed Mom. Also write out numbers up to a hundred. (A few resources say up to ten, but that is generally for newspapers and such.)
You did a nice job of pacing. The story moved along nicely and kept me interested throughout. The ending might have been tied up a tiny bit too neatly, but it did make me smile and left me with a feel-good, impression. You definitely nailed the topic and delivered a great message without it feeling preachy. I think this would make a great Sunday school lesson or an article for kids.
God bless~