The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 1270 times
Member Comments
Good work. I missed the transition and had to reread that but otherwise a very appealing piece.
Yeah, the transition was tough. Some kind of indicator that the scene has changed would be helpful. You don't know who is talking until midway through the paragraph. Otherwise enjoyed the story and loved the ending. Oh and Rachel is a very articulate 7-year old.
This just doesn't "feel" realistic to me--the coincidence of finding all the new life, the sudden change in the students, the little girl's wisdom beyond her years...consider a re-write, with just one child learning the same lesson.

It's a beautiful story, and children do respond well to object lessons. Just needs some re-thinking, I believe.
I agree the transition from Mrs.Collins teaching class to Steven teaching his class was a little rough. I think maybe if if you had mentioned that it was Steven speaking before he said, "Now little ones--"
It may have helped somewhat. This is a very cute story--and it would have been a little more believe able to me if the teacher had mentioned the bird's leaving the nest while they were outside. This was a very nice story, with a good message. A re-thinking would "make it fly." (LOL) God bless ya, littlelight
The Title intrigued me, and so I stopped by to read. I had to go back and begin again due to the change of era, place and time - but, it was a sweet story; and could be made into a Great story with some editing and re-writing. Thanks for sharing, God Bless!
I'm glad you entered, Allison! That's the only way to learn. It is a sweet story and the weary teacher is very well characterised. Bravo. The problem is the point of view. If it's written from Steve's POV looking back, he would not be able to see into her heart or know her thoughts and feelings. I can see how you tried to get the distance by constantly referring to her a Mrs Collins. Don't be discouraged, mastering POV and transitions are part of the journey to writing that you will be satisfied with! Yeggy
With some reworking, as mentioned by the others, I think you have a great story. I found that you mentioned "Mrs. Collins" a little too often and could instead refer to her in other ways such as using "she", "the teacher", etc. Keep up the good work, with a little editing, I think this story will be fabulous.