The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/23/15
Your story was so touching that it made me cry. Beth was blessed to have such a father.

Red ink:

Remember to use quotation marks every time someone is speaking.

My father and I at(had)
04/23/15
Oh my goodness, this opened the flood gates and my heart ached throughout this emotionally charged tribute.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but how wonderful you had a loving dad, and beautiful memories. And what a lovely way to pay tribute to him.

I'm sure it brings you great comfort to know you'll meet again one day in the future at the pearly gates.

I loved this touching piece.

Thank you.

God bless~
This is a beautiful story. You did a great job of writing on topic. I would guess this was simultaneously difficult and releasing to write this poignant piece.

I've just a couple bits of red ink. The opening line was passive. Instead, you could open with an active line just by switching the words:Every girl dreams about her father...
I also noticed you used I instead of me. A trick for that is to take out the other name and the word and. You wouldn't say Pastor was waiting for I, so it would be Pastor was waiting for my father and me. I thought it was slightly distracting to switch from a story to a script in the middle. You could have used that part to do more showing. For example: I trembled as I listened to Pastor. "We are blessed..."

Overall, you really did a wonderful job of bringing the characters to live for the reader. I was super impressed that you didn't have a POV shift when describing how the Father might have felt when he squeezed the daughter's hand. Many people wouldn't have used the words It seemed, but would have shifted the POV by telling how the Father feels. The reader can only know how the MC feels and you nailed that. I thank you for sharing such a difficult, yet beautiful piece. You nailed the topic in a fresh and creative way. This is a story I'll definitely remember.
04/29/15
Well told story. It was for the heart as well as the soul, thank you for submitting it.