The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 498 times
Member Comments
This is a sweet story. You do a great job of developing the characters. The dialog felt real and moved the story along at a good pace. The ending, though predictable, was sweet. You did a nice job.
Aw-I loved this entire piece. It is well written and kind of story.


God bless~
This was a sweet and touching story. I thought this was a heart-tugging piece.

This is a sweet story. I connected with your characters and the plot moved right along. A suggestion: I'm not sure if a headache can "bloom" - you might try a different word. Overall, I enjoyed your piece!
I loved the tender realism of your piece. It was sad, and yet hopeful.

There was one point where the order of the sentences confused me just a little:

"No. Emmys shoulders slumped. We need to eat, and you didnt wait at the car with me when we got out..."

Having "Emmy's shoulders slumped" between the mother's words "No" and "We need to eat...", on first reading, made it look like Emmy's line. Perhaps dividing it would help it be more clear. For instance:

"Can I pet that one?

No. (This line would work fine on its own.)

Emmys shoulders slumped. I patted her. We need to eat..."

For this example, I added an action for the mother, to come between Emmy's action and the mother's line. To make sure the reader knows who is speaking.

Anyway, I'm rambling. That was a minor point, and I really enjoyed your story. Emmy's little-girl busyness was so vivid. I could see your word pictures clearly.

God bless~
Congratulations and Lord bless in your writing efforts.
Congratulations on ranking 4th in your level and 21 overall. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.