The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 727 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Wow, this is a powerful piece. You started off with a good hook. The action and emotion that you painted pulled me in and I had to read more. You also had a subtle twist that I didn't see coming. Discovering this raging person was a small child, not a grown man, made me gasp. I didn't see it coming at all and your timing of revealing it was spot on.

The main red ink I would suggest would be to use what Jan (of Jan's Writing Basics, see below) calls salsa words. For example, maybe switch some of your words with something like this: Suddenly, he jerked his hand upwards and smashed it down in front of me. At first, I cowered, believing he meant to harm me, but instead he ravished the objects in front of him.
(In changing them, I also was able to tighten up the sentence and bring the word count down some.)

Another tiny bit of advice would be to put the MC's thoughts in italics. It creates an inner dialog and helps the reader really get inside of the MC's heads. Example: Instead, I felt confused. What do I do with this anger? How can I help him cope?

Overall though, you really do an outstanding job of painting a picture. You set the atmosphere and then built on it. You touched my heart and tears filled my eyes as I read on. You did a great job of differentiating this rage from "the terrible twos," which couldn't have been easy. The beautiful part of your story is the unconditional love. It just shines through and reminds me how much Jesus loves us and hurts when he hurts. You absolutely nailed the topic and did so in a fresh, out-of-the box way. Outstanding writing through and through.

On the message boards, there is a thread called Jan's Writing Basics. I urge all levels of writers to read and participate in it. Jan is wonderful about leaving feedback for anyone who posts in the thread. It's one of the best learning tools the internet has to offer. If you haven't checked it out yet, here's the link: http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=67
This is a beautiful story of a mother's love and faith, and a unique angle on the topic. I'm not expecting you to remain in Level 1 for long. :)
02/17/15
Great job - thanks for entering the Challenge with a terrific entry. I can feel this mother's anguish, love, and faith throughout.
Very thought provoking story. We we always wise in our actions or did we let anger raise our anger.



Yes! Congratulations!
02/19/15
Congrats!

God bless~
02/19/15
You've covered a lot of emotional territory here with total credibility. Well done for your EC.
Beautiful piece!
Congratulations. I was delighted to see this ranked so highly!
02/25/15
Congratulations!