The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
01/15/15
Well done and completely nailed the topic beautifully.

Great job.

God bless~
01/17/15
I enjoyed reading your poem. Good job - keep writing! If poetry is your specialty - read lots of it, both the rhyming kind of poetry and poetry that doesn't necessarily rhyme, yet still sounds lyrical.

This has a nice flow to it. Poetry isn't my strongest suit, but to my ears you seemed pretty spot on with meter and rhyming. I like how the tone feels almost light-hearted, much like the world views the sin of lust today. You did a nice job of setting the atmosphere, then bam, delivering a great message.

My only critique is minor. It felt like you were starting in the first person voice, but the slipped into the universal you and we. I think it might have more impact and feel more like a personal testament if you stayed with first person singular. For example like this:

Surely not a good thing, this is naught. (I know I messed up the meter, but I thought naught was a stronger rhyme than not and the definition of naught is worthless so it packs a double punch, if you could tweak the meter I messed up. :) )
It goes against everything I've been taught.

Just to look with wrongful desire
Puts me in danger of Hell’s fire.
Most of the TV ads that I see
Strongly appeal to my vanity.

Things I do not have, I desire,
Then become determined to acquire.

My changes were subtle, but in my opinion, using first person makes it more cozy. I feel like you're a good friend sharing with me, not giving me a mini sermon. You did a wonderful job of bringing the topic into this poem. You also made it fit for today's world. Your message and passion comes out loud and clear and I'm eager to read more of your natural gift.

01/22/15
Congrats,
God bless~