The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/20/14
Powerfully done! Great message and story.

Thanks!

God bless~
You have a lot of action in this piece.

Transitions in your actions can be worked on. I would like the word "but" added to "but as she opened the door..." To me this seems to add or heighten the energy of the action.

See if there are other places you can work on like this.
You held the tension well throughout the story. In the middle, however, you shifted from third person to first person, from Blessing's story being told, to Blessing telling her own story. It would work fine, I think, either way, but consistency is important.