The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/29/14
I enjoyed this multi layered piece that elicited various emotions throughout the read.

Well done!

God bless~
And then what happened? We will never know unless you write Chapter 2.

The box held emotions for us too. We want to know what happens next.
09/04/14
Loved this!

Congratulations on your well deserved recognition.

God bless~
I really enjoyed this. You did a wonderful job of developing your main character. The conflict was done beautifully. I could feel her ambivalence as her emotions fluctuated between fear and hope.

Your beginning was strong in that you developed the conflict right out of the box (pun intended :) ), which made me eager to continue reading more. At first I thought you were going to tell the story from the POV of the box because of this line: For years it had waited for April... Personally, I would've loved that, thinking it fresh, although others may not like personifing inanimate objects. It's also a passive line. By switching it around some, you could take away the personification feeling and make it active. Ex: Years ago, April had shoved it into the recesses of her mind and her closet. (The mind part might be too cheesy.)

You do a nice job of showing the reader a mental picture. For me personally, the opening line might have been a bit heavy for such a short story, but I could picture it vividly, and it set the atmosphere for the story. By having a long sentence, it shows the way April had dragged her feet at the thought of opening the box and the pain in her heart. That's a great thing for a writer to do and not at all easy.

This line is a great example of showing: she reached out for the box, then pulled away.
By adding dialog or thoughts, you could do even more showing: Ex: Her heart pounded as the voice in her head taunted her. Are you sure you want to risk this? You could wipe away all your hard work just by opening it. .

Your ending was great. It left me with a smile on my face and wondering what was in there. I like open endings like this because it allows the reader to go where she needs to go. It also would be an excellent teaser for the end of a chapter. I definitely think you could expand on this and make it into a novel.

I liked your take on the topic. It was subtle in the beginning and really shined at the end. You did a nice job of crafting the story with little or no errors. You may want to double space between paragraphs to give the reader more white space, but that's no biggie. Overall, you did a great job. Congratulations on your HC. You're in a competitive level and it speaks volumes about your natural talent. I'm eager to read more of your work.