The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/28/14
A unique take on the topic. I love the idea of the letters back and forth. Good job, keep writing!
08/28/14
Wow! This was an ingenious approach and completely unique in content and delivery. Excellent idea, creative and out of the box.

Loved the response by Jesus...truly powerful entry. This probably will be noticed by the judges!

Well done.

I look forward to your next entry.

God bless~
Congratulations on ranking 7th in your level! The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.
I think your take on the topic was spot on and in an out-of-the-box way. Many wrote about keys and locks to hearts this week, but yours stood out because you presented it in a creative way by using love letters to Jesus. That alone may encourage a reader to start a prayer journal. I used to be quite diligent, but somehow got away. Your story has encouraged me to start up again.

Your beginning was a tad slow. I don't think you needed to tell the reader what follows. Instead, just jump in and do it. For example: As Ben stared at the painting of Christ knocking on the door, he felt chills ripple down is spine. With sweat dripping off his face, he glanced around to see if anyone was watching. Suddenly, that didn't matter anymore; he crumbled to his knees and bowed his head.

Dear Jesus,I want to open my heart to you, but this spiky, scarlet and black thing pulsates relentlessly and refuses to allow me to open my heart. Every time I go near it, my head throbs and stress threatens to strangle me. Then, I see these funky images that look like reflections in a fun house mirror. I can't decipher the image. Please, Jesus, I beg you;what is getting between us and how am I ever going to rid myself of it?

My example isn't perfect by any means, but I wanted to show how you could handle the beginning all while introducing the MC and the conflict, in a tighter way, but still develop suspense to pull the reader forward. I put the prayer in italics so the reader realizes he is praying silently. I also used contractions as they sound more natural in dialog. Instead of telling the reader about Ben looking at the painting and then praying, I tried to show it so the reader can picture it in her head. The concept show don't tell is one you'll hear often. It's not always easy to find that right balance. If perchance, you haven't encountered Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards, I'd really encourage you to check it out. She does an amazing job of explaining get tips for all levels of writers.

Your story really has so many good things about it. It's well-written, flows smoothly, and has a great message that we all can relate to in one way or another. I truly enjoyed the exchange between Ben and Jesus. You do a remarkable job of showing Jesus' love without coming off as preachy. Great job.