The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/05/14
Amen! This was a beautiful entry...well done!

God bless~
06/11/14
There was a really good message to this poem and it followed a good path from beginning to end.

The rhythm and rhyme didn't really work for me. It wasn't really free verse, because rhythm and rhyme were attempted; but I couldn't find a set rhythm and repeating words (face to rhyme with face) just didn't sit right.

This is how you could rework the first verse to bring rhythm and rhyme in order:

It seems normal to get voted off
At young and old we so freely scoff
Both in social life and at our workplace
We live the life of a fallen race

9 syllables per line and no repeated word to make a rhyme; of course this is only an example to show what I am trying to say.

But the message of this poem is strong and some good ideas are voiced here.

Blessings.