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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: googled (04/10/14)
The door flung open, too fast, too noisy. Jessy stumbled into the room, panting and perspiring. For a moment, she just stood there, wild-eyed, confused, not knowing what to do next. "Hey there! I'm glad you made it. Have a seat." The woman in the white shirt who sat at the other side of the room welcomed her, apparently not impressed by her late and loud arrival. About twelve people in a circle stared at her-- a many-headed beast that tried to pierce through her shield of shame. Jessy walked to the only free chair available and sat down. Self-conscious, she avoided to look in those two dozen penetrating eyes. The woman in white spoke again. "Do you want to share with us why you're here?" Jessy looked up, not sure who the woman had addressed. The beast was still staring at her, so she guessed the question was meant for her. Lowering her gaze again, she noticed that one of the brown floor tiles was broken and grey dust had crept into the cracks, forming a crooked finger that pointed in her direction. She wiped her sweaty hand palms at her skirt. The chair on which she was sitting, with it straight back, was uncomfortable. She shove back and forth, trying to find a better position. The silence was heavy. The beast sat waiting, pushing her with its patience. Finally, she whispered a hoarse, "I'm Jessy." She stopped. "Hi Jessy," the beast replied as with one mouth. She cleared her throat, searching for her normal voice that somehow got lost in the mess that she had made of herself. A weird smell enterer her nostrils; a sharp, nasty odor--her own fear?--mixed with a delicate, sweet perfume, as from some exotic flower. Then something deep inside of her gathered her thoughts and nudged them towards her voice. She looked at the woman and opened her mouth. "A couple of days ago, I felt a strange pain, on the left side of my neck." Her hand went up to touch the sore spot. "My glands were all swollen. I wondered what it could be. I really tried to resist..." The woman's nods encouraged her to continue. "Maybe I should throw away my computer! I managed to do without for more than a day, but yesterday, I lost it. I just had to know. So, there I was at my laptop again, all day and all night, surfing frantically from one website to another, looking up symptoms and diseases, from "The doctor knows" to "The patient tells", from scientific research to quackery. At the end, I was sure that I had only a couple of weeks left to live. I panicked, preferred to kill myself right away. Somehow, I managed to drive here. I'm desperate. I don't want this anymore." The woman smiled at her. A warm and understanding smile. Jessy then dared to look the beast in the face and identified human beings who radiated compassion. She suddenly realized that every person in this room knew how it feels to be dominated by forces that seem uncontrollable. There was the old lady with the friendly face--she gambled. The big guy, who drank. The beautiful girl with bulimia. The thin man in his fifties--he did drugs. Like her, they used to seek in all the wrong directions whenever they were in need of answers, ways to still the pain, or weapons to fight the fear. They tended to search their way to the light losing themselves in false solutions--devastating deceptions of darkness. She felt the crippling shame leaving her and took a deep breath to reconquer the space that she had allowed to be occupied with lies. Then, she smelled it again: the flowery fragrance, so sweet, so... heavenly. She closed her eyes while she inhaled the perfume and was permeated by a Presence: the Solution to every problem, the Answer to every question. The oppression lifted, as if a huge, sharp claw let go of her soul, her mind. Jessy locked eyes with every single person in the circle before she admitted, free and unafraid now: "So, I guess that I want to share with you that I'm here, because I... googled."
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This article has been read 570 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Lollie Hofer 
04/18/14
At first I wasn't going to read this story because of the lack of paragraphs but glad I did anyway. This was a good take on the topic and I like your references to "the beast." Be sure and break up your story into paragraphs so it will be easier for your readers to follow. Keep writing!
C D Swanson 
04/19/14
Interesting and clever use of topic. I was pulled in and you had me all the way enjoying it from the beginning to end.

Nicely done.

God bless~
Toni Hammer
04/19/14
Great story. It's clear you have a storytelling talent. I encourage you to check out Jan's Writing Basics and Ann's Grammar Basics on the forums. I think once you got the foundational stuff taken care of, like punctuation, your stories will gain a lot more power.
Joe Moreland
04/20/14
This is a very strong piece. The paragraph and grammar stuff has already been touched on, so I won't waste my time re-hashing those points, except to reaffirm what the others have said - it's important to the flow of your story.

But - what a great story you have. Your dialogue is good. Jessy talks realistically and you are excellent at stirring up emotion. Her fear was palpable, as was her relief later. That's stuff you can't teach, so definitely keep writing - you've got talent for sure.
Larry Whittington
04/20/14
A book reading club meets here, once a week. (This is our addiction.)

I liked your addiction.

Use more paragraph separations in your writing. (Unless this was made to be this way.)

This was just a very interesting way of connecting google to an addiction.

Frankie Kemp 
04/20/14
Awesome writing! This is a powerful story. I love how you turned it around by the end--You showed what the moment of re-birth looks like. LOVE IT!

These lines are pretty nifty:
"a many-headed beast that tried to pierce through her shield of shame."
"She closed her eyes while she inhaled the perfume and was permeated by a Presence: the Solution to every problem, the Answer to every question."

Just some tips: find someone to help you proofread--preview your entry before submitting it, and you can put in paragraph breaks--finally: Keep writing!
Judith Gayle Smith-Owens Vitouswykegardinerclark
04/21/14
I can only echo the great comments here. You have an incredibly descriptive imagination and I look forward to your coming entries. You snagged my heart with:
"Lowering her gaze again, she noticed that one of the brown floor tiles was broken and grey dust had crept into the cracks, forming a crooked finger that pointed in her direction."

Breathtaking. I have much to learn from you methinks . . .
Amelia Brown 
04/21/14
Wow, an addiction to Google! I wasn't even thinking that that's a possible addiction. I like the analogy of the "12-headed beast."

I would suggest that when you copy your work over into the challenge, double check to ensure that there is space in between each paragraph.

Great use of the topic. Keep writing.
Linda Buskirk
04/22/14
I absolutely love how you used the "beast" term to refer to the group of people the Main Character was facing. Other phrasing also reveals your ability to add depth to the story... I particularly like, "grey dust had crept into the cracks, forming a crooked finger that pointed in her direction."

As others have commented, paragraphs would have made this much easier to read. But I am so glad I got through it, as it has so many great qualities from which I can learn. Keep writing!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
04/25/14
Congratulations on ranking 8th in your level. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.
Milly Born
04/27/14
Thank you all for the very encouraging comments!

And... next time I'll do better than submitting an article without checking it properly (because I tried to squeeze it in between many other activities)!