The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/11/14
Excellent message and story! Know God, know Peace...no God No peace.

Thanks for this wonderful story.

God bless~
04/13/14
Your story has a lot of promise. There is also much areas for improvement. I say this because others have coached me on these very same topics.

1. You told the story. It would be more effective to show the story. Add feelings to the characters.

Carol sighed is generic. Perhaps, with frustration seeping deep within, Carol breathed a huge sigh of disgust.

2. Passive language rather than active language.

Good, Kevin was here.
Perhaps, a sense of relief sweeps over Carol when realizing Kevin in home.

You stayed with the theme. We have all been at the starting point and learn from others comments. Keep writing and work on the active, action wording - this will excite your readers to keep going to the last word.
04/13/14
correcting my typo

It reads:
when realizing Kevin in home

It should read:
when realizing Kevin is home
You started with a tense situation that needed solved. Along the way you developed the characters. This is the way stories are developed.

In the fifth paragraph I think you meant "Carol grabbed"... "and headed". And in the next sentence one "but" is needed but you have two.

If you were to develop this into a longer short story, you might relate what Carol and Grace said to convince Kevin the Jesus was real and was in fact both LORD and Christ. When he accepted this as true, Kevin may shown his repentance by wanting to repaint the garage. All of you then might have gone back to the preacher where Kevin could have been baptized for the forgiveness of his sin.

You have a good starter for a short story.