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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Hum (06/06/13)
My sister and I often get together in her new state of the art kitchen. Kate is finally expecting her first child this May. She is so excited about it. They have waited a long time for this news.

I came today with my two children. Elsie who is four and Jake who is five. They adore their Aunt Kate but they sometimes think she’s a little weird.

She loves to play with them and tell them stories. Sitting with her in her kitchen today the two was at the island playing with play dough, as we talked.

We talk about anything and everything. I told her about the kids’ humming the other day to songs they had learned in Sunday school. If they didn’t know all the words they hummed and if they didn’t know the tune they finished with their own rendition. It was a riot to listen to them.

“Jennifer, do you remember we did that too?” Kate smiled. “But we were in front of the church when we forgot the words and we looked at each other and just started humming? And you my sister started dancing. We finished and the congregation clapped but the look on Mom’s face was priceless. We thought we were in trouble for sure.”

Laughing now, I did remember it very clearly. When we got home Mom started to say something when dad reached for her hand. “Hon, let’s not get too upset, they did their best.”

She looked at Dad and the two busted out laughing. After the laughter, Mom said to Dad, “It sure surprised our congregation didn’t it”

Dad just smiled. “Girls, we do know that we do not dance in church usually, right Jenny?”

“Right Daddy.” I said. But secretly I thought Dad could do anything he wanted because he was the Pastor!

Kate brought over from the counter a really neat looking cake. “Hey kids how about some cake?” I got ice cold milk too. “Jen, will you get the plates and milk?”

“What kind of cake?” I asked as I sat the plates, cups and the milk down.

“It’s called a humming bird cake.” She glanced at the kids as she said it. She saw the horrible look on their faces.

Kate turned to me as she continued. “Yes Jennifer, you should of seen me catching those little birds, it wasn’t easy. I broke a sweat running around with my net in hand. But I got them.”

I couldn’t resist so I said, “Did you get all the feathers off of them.”

“Sure did, I added the rest of the ingredients and out came this wonderful cake!”

She sliced the cake and set it in front of the two. Their eyes became like saucers.

“No thanks, Aunt Kate, we aren’t hungry.”

Laughing we both told the kids we were kidding. That there wasn’t anything in the cake but the real ingredients. It was just a humorous name. “We were just playing a trick on you.”

They took a couple of bites but the damaged was done. They didn’t like it.

Later that night as the kids got ready for bed, they each knelt by their beds to say their prayers. They both ended their prayer with, “And God, please keep the hummingbirds safe and keep them away from Aunt Kate, Please!”
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
06/17/13
Of this is a delight. You really had me smiling at the end. The beginning was a tad slow, but once you started using more dialog, you really pulled me into the story.

Some of your sentences are a tad awkward. For example this: Sitting with her in her kitchen today the two was at the island playing with play dough, as we talked.
could be smoothed out a bit like this: As my sister and I sat and chatted at her kitchen table, my two kids sat at the counter and played with clay.
(I switched island to counter because I pictured an actual island and I switched play-dough to clay so not to repeat the word play in the same sentence.)
My example is not perfect, but I hope it shows you what I'm trying to say.

You did a great job with the dialog. It really made me feel like I was right there in the kitchen reminiscing. I also enjoyed your sense of humor and so could picture Mom's face as the pastor's kids danced around church. You told a wonderful story.
Yvonne Blake 
06/19/13
Smile - I suspected they were the pastor's kids.
It will improve your writing to learn more about when to use commas, but great job on this memoir.