The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Okay, I should share this with my grandkids ... your theme is believable although the ending was contrived. Big issue is dialog handling, that takes practice - there are many tips in FW and outside resources. Secondly, exclamation marks are dangerous items. Unless you characters scream all day, limit the marks to one per essay; and that may be too many. Keep writing, your story is down-to-earth.
All kids need to see this! Now, learn paragraph's and dialog spacing and you will have a great story! The forums are a great place to find help.
What a delightful story. I agree with the other comments, but I want to add that you have a terrific story telling gift . . .

Throw a Brick for CLICK
I really enjoyed this delightful story. Children's stories are my favorite genre and I think these characters are right on the mark.

Remember to start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks. Also if you double space between the paragraphs you will give the reader that all important white space.

You did a great job of bringing the topic into this charming story. I also liked how the kids resolve the conflict. Many adults when writing for kids will make the mistake of having the adult resolve the problem so I am delighted that the kids figured out a solution all by themselves. Nicely done!
Congratulations on placing 13 in your level! (The highest rankings(top 13 in level one and top 40 overall) can be found on the message boards at )