The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
You ARE putting together a book! Good for you! This part was gripping, and I look very much forward to the rest of your story. Great idea, incorporating the Challenge - methinks I have an idea where you will go with "click". Don't prove me wrong . . .
Definitely intrigued by what is going on here. Enjoyed the read!
You have a delightful way of telling stories. I like how you involved all of the senses and pulled the reader right into your story.

I think you tried to fit too much of a story in such a short venue. There is so much that I still want to know about. Perhaps if you took some of the unnecessary information out like his showering,etc. I almost think you could have started with something like: Alex stretched his neck, his eyes darting through the crowd while his heartbeat echoed in his ears.
Something like that would show that he is nervous and that some conflict is about to begin. In this age of instant gratification, it us vital to grab the reader's attention and introduce the conflict right away.

I did like your characters and could feel the underlying tension. You do have a grasp of the writer's dilemma of show don't tell, which can be extremely difficult. The ending would be a perfect ending of a chapter. It makes the reader want answers to the many questions. That is a good sign that the reader wants to read more.

I sense this might be one of your first challenges, and if so you have a great start! You may want to read stories in this level and leave comments. It doesn't matter if one is new to writing, for it is the reader you must impress, not other writers. Finding out what works or doesn't work for you in other stories is a great way to adapt those things in your own writing. I'd encourage you to read a few stories in other levels as well.

You have a nice grasp of writing on topic. The reader knows the sneezing fits and the mysterious perfume are vital parts of this story. If you are looking for more feedback, you may want pt to go to the message boards and leave a link to your story. You do have to wait until the judging is complete and I know it is now so here's the link you can copy and paste into the URL line:

Overall, I think you did a nice job. Suspense is one of my favorite genres and you definitely have a knack for that. I hope this will blossom into perhaps a novel or a longer story. I look forward to reading more of your work. Good job.:-)