The Official Writing Challenge
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Okay first off, I have to say this is hysterical. I loved it and am so glad you included the key because I was scratching my heads at a few places.

The only red ink I really have is some of it didn't feel quite natural like saying Jim was the hiring manager. This person seemed more like the type who might say the dude interviewing me. Also for me calling herself Mrs. Gillian didn't feel right either.

The word Emilyisms, however, is a perfect fit and I totally enjoyed the whole thing. This would be perfect for some humor on one of those job interview sites. I think you did a nice job with it and you had me smiling or giggling from beginning to end.
Hahahahahaha. This was a sheer joy to read. Great stuff! God bless~
Very fun read. I especially liked the word origin explanations.
Very clever and very funny. Loved the "wordisms". Great piece.