The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 659 times
Member Comments
Gripped my heart from beginning to end. Good job. My only comment is that the impression is that an eleven year old drove the four hours from Alabama:) Keep writing!
This storyline was very exciting. I saw a few of grammatical errors, but they did not take away from the plot in any way. Here are some suggestions:

1. It would have been nice to have names for the characters.

2. I did not wreck myself could have been written: I did not get in a wreck myself.

3. When combining two complete sentences, use a comma before the word and.
I assume this is a true has the sound of reality to it. I would like to encourage you to do a little more showing than telling...possibly showing us some of your emotions. Also, some dialogue will help draw your readers in as well. Thank you for encouraging us with a difficult time in your life.
A very heartfelt story. Thank you.
I agree with the others: this is very heartfelt, perfectly on-topic and emotional. A little dialogue would help the readers feel it even more. Great job!
This is such a powerful story. I'm not sure if it is a true story but I would guess that it was since you did such a so wonderful job of getting inside the MC's mind.

The only red ink I might suggest would be to start off with more of an attention grabber. It's important to pull reader in by the end of the second or third sentence. By doing something like this it would set the tone and be more showing than telling: The phone jolted me from sleep. My heart pounded as I squinted at the clock while the ominous red glow mocked me. I knew by the glowing numbers--3:09--that something terrible was about to disrupt my world.

I know I took some liberties but I wanted to show how starting the story like that pulls the reader in immediately as well as painting a picture.

I think you did an awesome job with this piece. You nailed the topic in a fresh and different POV. The conflict was introduced right away and you managed to keep building the suspense. That takes a lot of talent. You also did a nice job of transitioning from one scene to the next. It felt real and the dialog natural.

This piece is inspirational and I know it will touch many people and help them get through the grieving process. Outstanding bit of writing.
I want to clarify what I meant when I said the dialog felt real. For example when the doctor was explaining his condition it felt natural but would be even better if you had put the actual dialog in. For example: The doctor walked toward me as his eyes scanned a chart. "Your husband is in critical condition..." I'm still taking your words about what he said but by showing him entering the room and then putting the dialog in quotes, it'll help the reader connect with the characters. I want to empathize that these are things that can be fixed with a little work or by joining a writing group or a challenge buddy. If you need help send me a PM and I'll try to help you. You have a way with words and I look forward to more of your work.
Phenomenal job and entry. I enjoyed this well-written story that packed a powerful message. Very good!

God bless~
Bless you for sharing such painful memories.

Consider rewriting all of the sentences that have the passive verb. ex. was, is, had been.

Ex. Late one Friday night, three years ago, my husband left his night job at the restaurant, and instead of coming home, headed on his motorcyle towards another restaurant chain across town.

With robberies in the area, he intended to walk with the manager as he deposited the nightly receipts.

Ex. His hands held the bandanna, rather than "In his hands was the bandanna."

Sometimes the passive verb is necessary, but when overused leads to less
"tight" writing. You use more words than necessary.

You did a great job of describing the scenes. I could feel the emotion.
Congratulations on your ribbon and for ranking
Oops I hit wrong button. Congratulations on ranking 20 overall! That's great for 82 entries!
Well written.
Congratulations on your 1st place ribbon and 20th place overall. It was a very moving and powerful piece of writing. I will enjoy reading more of your work in the future.