Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Blessed (10/11/12)
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TITLE: Kayla Almost Died | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ken Ebright
10/17/12 -
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Five minutes later a fireman walked up to her car. "Hey miss how are you doing?"
"My leg hurts really bad."
The fireman bent down beside the car door. "What’s your name?"
"Kayla."
"Don’t worry; we're going to get you out." The fireman stood up and shouted,
"We need a saw over here."
"I just want to die, please let me die!" Kayla yelled.
"Kayla, don't give up." The fireman started to saw through the door.
Finally they got Kayla out and put her on a stretcher. "Please let me die, I just want to die!" Then she passed out.
The next thing Kayla knew she was in a bed. Her boyfriend Charles was seated in a chair next to the bed. "Where am I?" Kayla asked.
Charles bolted out of his chair and stood next to the bed. "You're in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?"
Kayla responded slowly. "I know was in an accident. The last thing I remember was I was on a stretcher."
Charles reached for Kayla's hand and held it. "The Lord really blessed you. He had His hand of protection on your life."
Kayla rolled her eyes. "I bought into that Jesus stuff when I was a kid. He’s done nothing for me. Don't tell me about Jesus."
While holding Kayla's hand, Charles rubbed it with his thumb. "You could have died."
Kayla let go of Charles hand. "Why do I want to live? My mom is mentally ill and my dad is in jail."
Charles leaned over the bed. “Your mom might be mentally disturbed, but she brought you to church. You accepted Jesus when you‘re a child; someday you will spend eternity with him. The Lord has a purpose for your life."
Kayla turned her head away and stared at the opposite wall. “My mom's worthless. I prayed for her the Lord didn't change her."
"Kayla, you were involved in a head on collision. You could have been paralyzed for life. Besides your broken leg, you only have a few scrapes on your head. That and the doctor said you'll be walking in no time."
Kayla tried to move one of her legs. “I am still paralyzed."
Charles grinned. "The Lord gave you a boyfriend that is Christian. I love you; the Lord wants you to come back to him."
"Jesus doesn’t love me." Kayla turned her back to Charles and he left.
**************
A few days later a nurse helped Kayla get from a wheelchair into Charles’ car. Charles reached for the key. "Don't start the car yet. Honey, I want to tell you something."
"What's wrong?" Charles put his hand down on his lap and looked into Kayla's eyes.
"Charles, I'm sorry I got mad at you. You’re right the Lord blessed me. I didn’t die, I wasn't paralyzed."
Charles smiled. "Hey, Jesus loves you."
Kayla put her arm around Charles and gave him a hug. "I am glad the Lord brought you into my life."
Charles kissed Kayla on the cheek. "You've been a blessing."
Kayla let go of her boyfriend and stared into his eyes. "The accident was a blessing because I want to go to church with you on Sunday. I want to re-commit my life to Jesus.”
"Kayla, the Lord brought a blessing out of this accident."
Kayla smiled. "Oh yes he did."
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Colin (Gold Member)
God BLess
You had quite a few little errors like then suddenly, "crash!" in that sentence I think when would have flowed (i stumbled and had to reread it a few times) Also the Crash should have been capitalized. There were some other parts where you needed a comma. When you use a phrase that could be taken out you need to put commas after it. Like in her boyfriend, Charles was seated. You could take out the word Charles and you'd still have a complete sentence. Some of the lines felt a tad stilted and I think that's because you add details that aren't vital to the story line like: The fireman bent down beside the car door. What i would encourage you to do instead of that is to describe something that shows his emotions or personality. For example: The fireman winced as he surveyed the severity of Kay;la's injuries.
Hopefully that paints a picture, as well as lets the reader know who is speaking and that the accident is bad to make a fireman wince.
The beginning was a great attention grabber. Nothing like a CRASH! to make a reader want to continue. You also did a fantastic job of building the conflict. By having the MC plead to just let her die builds the suspension and had me on the edge of my seat. The ending was sweet, a bit predictable and sudden but will satisfy most readers. You definitely covered the topic and did so in a fresh and interesting way. I know for sure that God can take horrible situations and turn them into something delightful and bring glory to Him. Overall, I thought you wrote a solid story, that tugged at my heart and was a pleasure to read.
God bless~