The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/08/12
I liked the story line of your entry; however, I find it a little hard to follow when you seemed to jump from one tense to another. When you submit your next entry, be sure to make certain your paragraphs have spaces in them. When you have Hes speak, you might consider putting her speech in italics. It would highlight it from the rest of the story. I've always had the fear of being locked in a room, or attic in your case, and not being able to get out. That truly is a predicament. Good story!
03/09/12
This was altogether creative and pleasant. I really enjoyed this story. Good message too...I really liked how MC's reverie, and the descriptive words that made the images come to life.

By the way being "claustrophobic" I was twisting around in my seat reading this! Oooh, to be locked in somewhere, the sleeping husband and half the town would have heard my screams!

Good job and nice message with a light yet powerful ending. Well done.

God bless~
03/09/12
Correction: That was supposed to read "I really liked THE MC's reverie..."

oops. Sorry


God Bless~
I really enjoyed this. I love the analogy of God giving us a time out. I thought it was quite clever.

I usually try to read the stories without reading the comments first because I want to make sure I'm giving my first opinion. However, this time my eyes glanced down and caught the first comment. I usually notice when a tense changes abruptly and I didn't. So I carefully reread it and still didn't notice it. True some of the transitions could be a tad smoother but you can accomplish that by doing more showing than telling. (and actually you have a good grasp on that already) For example, instead of using tag lines like she said or she called, use that space to describe what the character is doing like She creased her brow "Oh why did that girl have to get tonsillitis?" I like putting thoughts in italics instead of quotes but I can't do it here but you can in the story.

I think you did a wonderful job with covering the topic in a fun interesting way. You also did a great job delivering the message without coming off as preachy.
03/11/12
Loved this story! I was right there in "time-out" with her. Great job!
03/12/12
Creative and enjoyable story with lots of detail. Remember to put space between paragraphs. Great job. Well done!
03/13/12
Good title, good story, and very interesting names for the characters. I'm guessing they must be in the South somewhere, based on the name "Luta Mae". :)

Looks like everybody else has covered what I would've had for red ink, so I'll just say ... can't wait for your next story! I've learned that the critique here on Faithwriters can really polish a writer's skill in a hurry. You learn each time you enter, and usually people can tell the difference.

Keep up the good work!
In spite of not having spaces between paragraphs, your story is a winner for me: good beginning, well written, and good ending.
Good story. Not sure what the predicament was. But your writing shows a lot of promise.
Keep up the good work.
03/15/12
Alright! Third Place! Congrats, Laura! :D
03/15/12
Congratulations!

Blessings~